We all know it – Being consistent is important as a parent. But we also know it is one of the biggest challenges we face – and it is one of the biggest guilts we deal with. But what does consistency look like? We tend to see it as being 100 percent the same – always; but, that can look like legalism or being authoritarian. Out of reaction to that we swing the pendulum the other way – and find ourselves as inconsistent! There has to be a balance, a middle road somewhere that makes consistency doable without the guilt for being human.
The Constant Battle To Be A Consistent Parent
As our children grew older and we continued to study growing in character, one of the things I learnt was that different traits, or responses, feed into each other, you cannot have one without the other; no character trait stands on its own. There is always balance as different traits intertwine with each other.
So consistency is about doing the right thing time after time after time. Regularly. Being reliable.
But it needs to interact with flexibility.
Flexibility is the idea of being able to adjust as required.
When there is too much focus on consistency we lose focus on relationship and we become legalistic and we pressure ourselves to reach the standard of perfection.
When there is too much focus on flexibility, we become wishy-washy, pushover parents who don’t stand firm on anything and who always give in to their kids or circumstances.
There has to be a balance. An intertwining of those character-based responses as we respond in family life.
Defining Consistency
It is important that we understand what a realistic understanding of consistency is if we are going to try and do it.
So I said before that consistency is about doing the right thing time after time after time.
Parenting is so often focused on helping our children grow toward maturity that we forget that we are also still on a journey toward maturity. We want to be consistent in holding our children to the boundaries we set in our family, but we are still learning the parenting muscles of consistency that is needed. And that is okay.
Yes, we want to be consistent, but yes, we are growing the muscles to be consistent. Both can be true.
We will make mistakes, we will let things slide – and then we’ll realise and want to pull things back into line. And it is in that moment that we’ll be down on ourselves for not being consistent – and yet it is in that moment that we gain the impetus to grow stronger to be more consistent next time. Each time you realise that you let go of the things you want for your family, you’ll push through a little further next time. This is how we grow.
Isn’t that what we tell our kids? Pick yourself up and keep on working on it! It’s true for them, and it has to be true for us as well.
Consistency is a character trait, a values based choice that we are growing in. Lets be real about our journey and not slow ourselves down with guilt. Apologise if you’ve hurt your kids by your inconsistency and keep on working on it.
Common Challenges in Maintaining Consistency
Our consistency gets challenged for a few reasons (you may relate to one or more of these)
- We struggle to know the balancing between mercy and grace and consequences that our children need to grow in understanding what is right and how to do right. So we oscillate between giving rules and consequences and then letting things slide. This creates an inconsistency dance.
- Busyness distracts from follow through – we tell our kids to do something, or we tell t hem the way it is going to be, and then we get distracted and we don’t notice until it is too late and we just shrug and say maybe next time I’ll do it right.
- Consistency is a struggle when our spouse parents from a different perspective. That makes us lose heart and it is easier to let things slide.
- Being emotionally and/or physically tired is probably the biggest reason we don’t hold firm and mean what we say and say what we mean. (and I have the answer to this one in a little bit)
Strategies to be a Consistent Parent
Even though there are different solutions to each of those struggles here are 5 ways that can help you be more consistent – or in other words, grow your consistency muscles!
1–Know the values you want to build into your family. Know what those values look like in every day life. Know how you are going to teach these things to your kids. This is the very heart of all that I teach here on the heart-focused parenting podcast and in the Heart Booster emails. We need to know the beliefs and values we want to teach our kids.
2–Know and expect there to be conflict with your child ( afterall, this is why we need to be consistent!). The first point was to know what values you want to teach your kids to live by, but this point is saying – expect them to push back on you BUT know how you are going to handle a negative response to your instruction. When you know in advance how you want to respond and what you want to say, you reduce the opportunity to let something slide, you are prepared, and are more likely to be consistent with what you’ve said or decided on.
3- Pick your battles – know what needs working on in your life, your kids life, or your family life collectively – and don’t try to work on them all at the same time. Limit yourself to a few battles or issues at any one time – and know what those battles are specifically. Once you know the battles you are going to focus on you can be more consistent with those issues, and the other issues just can’t be a priority for the moment. There will be time enough to deal with those other things at another time; but for right now know the issues you are going to focus on, the issues you are going to spend heart-focused time dealing with.
4–Keep reminders around the house – I used to have posters hanging on my walls that reminded me of the Biblical truth, or moral truth of what we are working. So often my eyes would glance at what I had put up there and I would be able to catch myself and step up to parent how I really wanted to. I found that I needed to refresh those posters every so often otherwise they become a part of the furniture and I stopped seeing them as a reminder to respond to life the way I wanted to! (Download your own set of Reminder Posters)
5–Look after yourself so you are physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually able to be consistent. Teaching and training is exhausting – we have to be up for the task (and if we aren’t, then we need to make that a priority). This is just like the air hostess (or stewards as they are now called) say in the safety message of any flight – fix your own oxygen mask before you help someone else. If you aren’t able to be consistent due to your health and well being you won’t be consistent. So work on yourself first – make that a priority.
Heart-Focused Parenting Action Step
The foundational work that will help you be consistent is for you to know what is important to you. If something is important – you’ll make it happen.
This quote, “We know what a person thinks, not when he tells us what he thinks, but by his actions” – Isaac Basheuis Singer, has challenged me many times when I consider the choices I make.
I say this all the time –
What we believe, affects what we think,
What we think, affects what we feel,
What we feel, affects our choices.
So it is so important that you know what you believe and value so you can pass that onto your kids.
I’m not just talking about Jesus and the Cross here – though of course our belief in God’s love and gift of salvation shapes everything (a core belief which then shapes our thoughts, feelings, and choices!) But we need to know what we believe and value about
Family, parenting, children
About community and education
About health and technology
About every facet of life – because the bottom line is – if you want to teach your children to make wise choices you need to know the premise of those wise choices.
You need to teach your children to believe in God and to process their beliefs, values, thoughts, feelings, choices through that filter. But it all starts with you doing that very same thing.
So your heart-focused parenting action step this week is to talking about beliefs and values and how they impact your choices. Talk about the beliefs and values that are connected to the choices that your children are having to make – regardless of their age. As you start talking about them maybe with your spouse, or with another mum friend, then you will start to find the words that you will then be able to use to teach that to your kids.
Parenting isn’t about just getting our kids to behave well – it is about helping our kids establish a belief system that is in keeping with the Word of God. And that is our motivation for being consistent!
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Hi there! I'm Belinda and I'm glad you are here!
I am a family life coach and help parents to raise their kids with faith, values and life skills in a way that is intentional, relational and heart-focused. Read more in my Introduction page
You can learn about heart-focused parenting through my podcast, blog and weekly email (Heart Boosters).
If you need help you can book a coach call or email me here.
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