Welcome back to the Heart-focused Parenting podcast!  Today, I’m talking about a challenge every parent faces at some point – kids who seem to need you to do everything for them.  Maybe you’ve felt the frustration of being on constant call, being needed to fix everything when things don’t go your child’s way.  Or perhaps you’ve wondered how to equip your child to navigate life’s bumps without you always holding their hand.  That’s what we are going to talk about today – raising kids who are problem solvers, raising kids who can solve their own problems with willingness and confidence.

How to Encourage your Child to be a Problem Solver

How many times have you heard, “Mum, I can’t find my shoes!” or “I’m thirsty!” or “I don’t know what to do!” in the last week?  As parents we want our kids to be resilient and capable but to be honest, it often feels easier to step in and solve things for them – just tell them what to do, just get it for them and we can all move on.  But when we do that we are limiting the opportunities for them to learn to do things for themselves – which will lead to them being able to do things for other people.

Problem solving skills is more than academic skills – they are essential for navigating life.  Whenever we want to do something, or need something, and it is a little out of our reach, or it doesn’t go our way – we need to show resilience (and not melt down) and resourcefulness (to find a solution).  This is problem solving and it is needed in all areas of our life.    Problem solvers are better equipped to handle challenges that will come their way. And of course – we want that for our kids.

Problem Solving Mindset

The number one thing that stops our kids from being problem solvers is that we, the parents keep doing everything for them.  We fix their problems, we avoid things that will disappoint, and we distract their frustration.  The other reason we do things for our kids is that we are too busy to train them to do it themselves, too busy to help them process the emotions and the brainstorming and the practicing that will give them the ability to solve problems.   So that is something we need to think about.

We need to let our kids do things.  Especially the things that we have taught them to do.  At some stage we need to stop reminding, prompting or instructing – and let them do it – or at least try to do it. 

One of two things will happen – they will be able to do it on their own, without you – success! Or they will not do it well at all – failure!

I actually have an issue with the word ‘failure’ not because I want to remove that from my life or my children’s lives, but rather failure in today’s language has a sense of finality about it. It is either failure or success and we define our lives by it. I’d rather teach my kids that failure is part of a learning journey – when you get it wrong you have the opportunity to  learn and grow. 

Imagine the little toddler who tries to stand up – and fails. Imagine if we used the finality of failure in that situation – he would never try again and he would remain as a person who couldn’t stand – couldn’t walk, run, skip. This is ridiculous of course, no-one has ever considered a toddler’s first attempt at standing a life failure – why then, should we consider other skills our kids learn along the way as a failure? They are learning.

We need to have this mindset and we need to pass it onto our kids.  Once again though busyness will undermind our efforts here.  When a child is struggling with their self-worth because of having tried and failed – it means we need to sit with them and help them see it another way. 

Problem Solving is Related to Initiative

Parents often complain that their child shows no initiative.  This is often an unfair statement about their child.  We cannot show initiative until we have the skills and have been given responsibility.  

Imagine this – your child finds a pot of paint and decides to paint the walls.  Is this initiative?  Well it depends.  If he is 5 probably not.  If he is 15 maybe it is.  The difference is the 15 year old knows that you want the walls painted with this paint, and they know how to set up, protect the floors and furniture and how to use the equipment properly.  (Of course, not every 15yo will know this – but for the sake of my story stick with me!).  

The 5yo was doing something they shouldn’t have been doing – they didn’t have the skills or the understanding of the job at hand.  The 15yo though saw a need, or saw a problem and had the skills and understanding and was able to show initiative – that is, do it without being asked.  

So be careful if you are expecting initiative without having trained in skills and understanding.  Problem solving is a part of that training.  We don’t want our kids to do anything and everything under the guise of being a problem solver – some things aren’t theirs to solve – but we need to make sure we are constantly teaching our children the skills and understanding of life around them so they can step up and solve problems, meet needs and be a blessing to others.

Let them solve problems

It starts with learning to solve their problems.  It doesn’t mean we don’t want them to come to us – of course we are still there for them and there will be many times they depend on us for support and practical help.  But they should also be growing in recognising that this is a problem, and I can find a way forward.  

Here are some practical strategies to teaching your kids to step up not run to you when something doesn’t go their way.

1. Keep them safe but not protected –  Safe means they can try and fail and learn. Protected means guarded from failure  which really means kept from giving effort.  We don’t want that.  
2. Encourage critical thinking – that is, when something blocks them they learn to assess the problem and brainstorm solutions and then choose a action.  Assess. Brainstorm. Act. 
3. Model Problem Solving – you problem solve all day long and your kids just see you as being mum doing mum things.  So learn to verbalise or narrate what is going on around you and in your head so your kids know you are problem-solving – For example,  Oh that is so frustrating, no point getting cranky about it.  What am I going to do now.  I know I’ll do ….   When our kids hear us saying these types of words, they will have a framework to start assessing, brainstorming and taking action for themselves.
4. Provide opportunities for your child to practice – This is more about controlling yourself and not jumping in than actively looking for opportunities.  Opportunities are everywhere every day – just stop rescuing your child – let them work it out. 

My Top Tip for teaching Problem Solving

This is my top tip for teaching problem solving – If you remember this tip alone – you’ll be on the right track.  

First up remember stop rescuing.  Maybe that is my top tip – but building on from that – when our kids come to us looking for solutions our one an only question needs to be: “What are you going to do about it?”

This pushes the problem back onto them for them to think about. Of course you will only ask this if you know they are capable of doing what is required.

I remember my friend started asking her children this when they came whining to her about being thirsty. The question made them pause and think. They could either go and get a drink themselves or they could ask her to help them. Both where appropriate choices (considering the ages of her children at the time) but whining wasn’t an option – neither did she just jump up and get them a drink. They had to think through how they could solve their problem.

Heart-focused Parenting Action Step

So this week, stop rescuing your kids.  If you know they can do it give them opportunity to do it.  If you think they might be able to do it, give them opportunity to try.   And start asking the question – “What are you going to do about it?”

Another thing you can talk about in your family this week is the idea of failure and learning.  There is plenty of information around the idea of ‘growth mindset’ online.  Actually, I have a blog in my archives that addresses this from a Christian perspective.  How do you Teach your Children a  Growth Mindset as a  Christian

 And the third thing – if you try these things, and you see change happening in your family I’d love to hear from you.  You can send me an email – or talk to me on Instagram.

Hi there! I'm Belinda and I'm glad you are here!

I am a family life coach and help parents to raise their kids with faith, values and life skills in a way that is intentional, relational and heart-focused. Read more in my Introduction page

You can learn about heart-focused parenting through my podcast, blog and weekly email (Heart Boosters).

If you need help you can book a coach call or email me here.

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