Why ‘Do This’ Works Better Than ‘Stop That’ In Parenting – Part 2

Episode #87 of Heart-focused Parenting I talk about a parenting strategy that teaches your child what is right at the same time of actually helping them to do what is right.

From carrying a dinner plate, to playing with siblings, to doing their homework – you can say specific words that will actually help them.

The clue is in the title of this episode: Why ‘Do This’ Works Better Than ‘Stop That’ In Parenting

That’s the key – tell your kids what to do, not what not to do. But listen in (or read the blog) to get all my thoughts on this parenting strategy.

Have you ever tried this?

Parents, we need to take this verse to heart. It needs to be what guides us (sets the standard) for whenever we speak to our children.

Our words, tone and body language/facial expressions all communicate to our children. Will we build them up – or will we tear them down. They are our choices.

Let us speak with grace – life giving words that help our children do their life well.

Isn’t this just so frustrating! But a simple change to how you engage with your child will help them do the right thing more often.

Tell them what to do instead of telling them to stop doing whatever they are doing.

Not only do you give clearer instructions – that help them do the right thing, you also create an opportunity to tell them why it is the right thing.

One of the things that parents have to do is correct their kids.  I’m not talking about punishment – but rather redirect their path.  I’m reminded of a pilot – I often fly with Peter and he makes corrections to the planes settings to help it stay on course.  This is such a good picture for parenting.  We need to make corrections to our child’s settings (the way they are thinking, believing, and acting) to help them stay on the right course.  

But before we address our child’s negative behaviour, we need to take a moment to connect with them.  Connection before correction.  

When we correct without connection (when we just storm in and tell them off) it can feel like criticism or rejection to our kids.  But when we pause to connect first – simple things like a gentle touch, eye contact, a kind tone as we call their name – we remind them that we are on their side, that they are valued and loved.  

Coming along side of our kids, with compassion and kindness (even when we have to tell them off) is more effective because it’s done in the context of relationship not just authority.  When we show our kids that we are there for them, even when things go wrong, even when they do the wrong thing, they are more likely to listen without without resentment or resistance.

Something to think about this week – 

* How do you best connect with your child? 

* Is it different for each child?  (hint: it probably needs to be so think this through so you can connect with each of your children well this week.)

There is no one way to describe good parenting.

It is directive without being demanding.
It is relational without being permissive.
It is consistent without being legalistic.

We can be firm, kind, and onto it without being an authoritarian parent who says my way or the highway.

The key is to remember that whenever we say something it will teach our child something. Their little hearts will soak up every message we send.

So whenever you need to give instructions to your child – remember to be directive – firm, kind, and helpful so that your child can learn

• what is right
• why it is right
• and how to do right

How do you go with being directive, relational and consistent with your parenting?