Are you tired of feeling like a broken record, constantly telling your kids to ‘stop’ doing this and ‘stop’ doing that? Today, I’m sharing a heart-focused parenting strategy that helps you parent the heart, helps keep the temperature down in your family dynamics, and helps your child learn to do the right thing. A win-win idea I reckon!! I’d love to hear from you if you start practicing this idea – let me know how it goes for you!
Why ‘Do This’ Works Better Than ‘Stop That’ In Parenting
One of the things that I constantly see when travelling is parents frustrated with their kids. Will. You. Just. Stop! So often these words are spat out through gritted teeth – the parent is exhausted, overwhelmed, and frustrated. I get it they just want the child to stop! I know I’ve been in that situation – we don’t need to travel to be in those frustrating situations. These words – will you just stop! – are easy words to say but what do they mean? Do our kids even know what they mean? What do I stop? I reckon there would have been a few times when I did this when my kids were younger that they’d look at me with a blank stare, not having a clue what I was talking about! But they tended to go quietly and stop doing anything and everything just to cover their bases. Not a real effective parenting strategy.
It may be effective at changing their behavior – for a short time – but it doesn’t touch their hearts. It doesn’t change them long term; it doesn’t change them from within.
My goal in parenting is to teach their heart – that is to teach beliefs, values, character, convictions, and passions that will direct their choices in years to come. When we focus solely on stopping bad behaviour, we miss an opportunity to train our child’s heart to know what is right and why it is right.
Do This not Stop That
So instead of saying “Stop,” we need to say “Do.” This shift focuses on giving them a positive direction to aim for instead of just what they shouldn’t be doing. It transforms our instruction from being reactive to proactive, building skills and values (which is parenting their heart); it gives them something concrete to understand and file away for another time, to help them make better choices next time.
– Instead of saying “Stop making that noise!” we can say, “Please play quietly.”
– Instead of saying “Stop annoying your brother!” we can say, “Please find something productive to do with your hands.”
– Instead of saying “Stop dawdling!” we can say, “Please focus on what you are supposed to be doing.”
– Instead of saying “Stop arguing!” we can say, “Please listen to each other.”
Developing the Conscience
When we replace ‘Stop’ with a clear, positive action, we’re not just addressing the immediate behaviour but guiding them towards a healthy way of interacting with their environment and others. This strengthens their ability to make good decisions even when we’re not around.
Of course, depending on where you are at in training in any given situation, sometimes a prompt like such a request is all our kids need – a reminder to do the right thing. Other times they need us to not only give them an alternative, but they need us to help them see what that actually looks like.
Sometimes they even need us to help them change their heart – their anger, their hurt, their distraction, so that they can walk in the right response. This is when we, as parents, need to come alongside them, not just to correct but to coach. Our job isn’t simply to stop bad behaviour; it’s to guide them through the emotions and thoughts that drive those actions, helping them identify what’s going on inside their heart. When we just throw out a “Stop!” we aren’t helping them (to be honest, we are just dealing with our frustration and comfort levels!) When we just tell them to ‘stop’ we aren’t walking with them through this process of thinking about what is the right thing to do. Instead, we leave them there floundering in frustration, not knowing what you are talking about or not being able to change (though knowing you want them to).
For example, when a child is angry and lashing out, a “Stop!” command doesn’t address the underlying hurt or frustration that led to the anger. But if we guide them with words like, “I can see you’re upset, let’s talk about it,” we open a door for heart connection and healing, while teaching them how to manage their emotions. This is heart work – helping them navigate life’s challenges with grace, wisdom, and self-awareness.
When we take the time to remind, instruct, and encourage our kids to respond appropriately, we give them a life skill – or at least help develop that life skill in their life. We give them wisdom and understanding – we actually enable them to be successful!
This process also builds what is called emotional intelligence. As our kids learn to recognize their thoughts and feelings, they gain tools for managing them and responding thoughtfully rather than impulsively. This is a vital part of their maturity.
By consistently telling our kids what to do (and why it is important or the right thing to do) they eventually take our external voice drumming in their ears, to an internal voice, their conscience. This is when they start to pause and think, and then choose to respond out of love or honour and with self-control. This is self-governance – where we can govern our emotions and our choices without someone telling us what to do.
For sure it is a level of age development and maturity, but it can and will happen. As you know, and I say it often, it isn’t a say it once and you are done type of thing. Parenting isn’t like that. Our kids will only come to this place when we teach them to pause and think about their thoughts, attitudes, and actions. And the key to this is practice (repeating ourselves over and over and over again) – the more we guide them through positive actions, the more natural it becomes for them. Slowly, it turns into self-reflection, and eventually, self-discipline.
Heart-focused Parenting Action Step
So next time you want your kids to stop doing something – instead of saying “Stop!” think of a way that you can instruct, remind, or encourage them to do the right thing.
Like the title of this episode goes – we want to replace ‘stop that’ with ‘do this’.
I’m sure you’ll start hearing yourself now – and that’s a good thing. Acknowledging that you are doing something you want to change is the first step toward that change.
But be patient with yourself. Shifting from just saying ‘Stop!’ out of frustration, to heart-focused training takes time – for both you and your child. But over time, you’ll notice your children responding not just because you told them to, but because they are learning to do what is right.
{one last question…} What annoying things are your kids constantly doing? What is it you want them to do instead?
As you think about that last question you are preparing yourself to start changing what you say when your kids do the wrong thing, and instead of saying ‘stop that’ you can now say ‘do this’because you’ve thought about it today.
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Hi there! I'm Belinda and I'm glad you are here!
I am a family life coach and help parents to raise their kids with faith, values and life skills in a way that is intentional, relational and heart-focused. Read more in my Introduction page
You can learn about heart-focused parenting through my podcast, blog and weekly email (Heart Boosters).
If you need help you can book a coach call or email me here.
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