Parenting often feels like a constant roll of reminders, prompts, and, yes, even nagging. But what dowe do if the constant correction (that we feel caught up in) isn’t actually changing anything? Often the real issue is that your kids don’t know why you’re telling them to do these things?  Join me as we talk about how sharing your thought process changes how kids learn and grow into moral maturity.

How To Teach Your Children The ‘Why’ for Everything they Do

As parents, our deepest desire is to see our children grow into adults who live with integrity, wisdom, and responsibility. We want them to know how to make decisions that honor God, reflect strong moral values, and be able to have skills that help them deal with all that life will bring them.  But how do we teach them, and how do we know that they get it?  Will they be able to do the things we are teaching them when they are out there on their own?  

One of the most significant piece of parenting advice a friend gave me many years ago was to tell your child what you are thinking. 

We know that children mimic us; they copy our actions, our tones, and sometimes even our words. And while imitation is a natural part of how children learn, it’s not enough to equip them for life becuase we don’t know what they will be faced with.  We need to give them heart instruction – instructions that build up their beliefs and values, and then we need to teach them to think before they make choices so that they can be prepared to do life as an individual away from our direct influence.  This is what is called critical thinking skills – where they can weigh up the situation and determine what is the right thing to do right now.  

Three Key Reasons Behind Every Right Decision

I always say there are three reasons why that makes something the right thing to do:

1. God’s word tells us to do it
2. It reflects what is morally right, or morally good
3. There is a practical or safety reason why 

When we can tell our kids what we are thinking, the thought processes that we go through when we are deciding what to do or how to do it, or why to do it – we are teaching our children one of these three reasons why something is the right thing to do. This is heart-instruction.

If we don’t tell them why we do what we do—if we don’t explain the thoughts and values behind our actions—they may mindlessly copy what we are doing, or what we are telling them to do, without really understanding and without developing the capacity to think about it, and to decide, to make an informed decisions by themselves in times to come.  Though just copying us may look cute as a two year old, if they are still mindlessly copying us, or just doing what we tell them, at 10 years old, there will be gaps in their ability to make wise choices for themselves – in any sphere of their life.

Turning Everyday Activities into Heart Lessons

Proverbs 22:6 reminds us of this long-term perspective: “Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.” When we guide our children in moral understanding and practical wisdom, we lay a foundation that shapes their decisions and actions for a lifetime.

Why do you do the dishes after every meal?
Why do you speak kindly when playing board games?
Why do pick up your toys when you are finished playing with them?
Why do you wash hands after going to the toilet?
Why do you not play the piano when someone is watching TV?
Why do you fold the towels this way?

{Doing this as a parent} This becomes tricky because we often do these things automatically. Our habits are second nature, and we don’t always pause to reflect on them, let alone explain them to our children. Behind these automatic choices that we are making lies a belief system—a value that drives your decisions or an experience that has taught you wisdom. Our children don’t yet have these values or experiences. That’s why they need us to intentionally teach them, step by step, as they grow in knowledge,understanding and wisdom.

There are two steps to being able to do this:

1. We must know why we do things: This means we have to reflect on our own beliefs, values, motivations, and reasoning. We need to know why what we are doing is the right thing to do.
2. We must talk to our kids: This means we need to learn to talk while we doing every day life, it also means we need to have our kids beside us as we do things so that they can hear our thoughts as we put them into words!

Training Your Kids to Take Ownership

I think we are familiar with the idea that we have to show our kids how to do things.  If you need a reminder of how to train your child to do anything you can have a read or listen of my episode that outlines 5 steps:

1. Know your why
2. Be a role model – let your kids see you doing the right thing
3. Teach – that is tell the why, and show the how
4. Let your child practice – over and over, initially with supervision, but that gets less with time
5. Expect Responsibility and Accountability.  This is when they know what to do, why it is the right thing to do and can do it on their own.

The link to this episode is here:  How to Make Training a Part of your Heart-focused Parenting.

So as we talk today about telling our children our thought processes, what we are thinking and our why – that comes into the teaching level of giving good instructions. It is when the why and the how work together that we see our children really learning – where our child really gets it, and takes it on as their responsibility, they don’t need your instruction or reminders any more.  But a key here is teaching they why – as well as the how.  When we tell them what we are thinking, when we tell them the beliefs and values behind the instructions, we give them understanding as well as the ability to do the right thing themselves, in that moment and at  another time.

This kind of teaching requires us to really slow down. We need to pause long enough to be aware of our own thinking and reasoning, what are our values concerning this, take the time to put it into words for our kids, and then make sure our children truly understand what we are saying. No point in saying something if they don’t understand it! Parenting with words takes effort and time, but it is the words we say that build up our child’s heart – what they believe and value so it is not just a parenting hack – it is the very essence of heart-focused parenting.  

So next time you are doing something with your kids—talk. Tell them what is going on in your head, what you are thinking about, and what are the processes you go through as you do whatever it is you’re doing. It may seem obvious to you and you can’t see why you need to say it to your kids, or it may feel like you are just adding to the constant noise, it may be really hard habit to learn, but as you put words to your thoughts you are giving good instructions. 

Eventually, after time, our kids will start to make wise choices, wise decisions – and this is what we want.  But it starts with you giving them the  time to explain the why behind your actions and the why behind the actions you want them to imitate.

Heart-focused Parenting Action step:

So the action step for this week is to start listening to the instructions you are giving your children and listen for the WHY.  Are you including that? Are you telling your children ‘why’ this is the right thing to do?  Are you telling them the thouhts, and processes and reasonings going on in your head as you choose to do the right thing?

To be honest, you may not even know why.  So I encourage you to really think this through.  You will not be able to address your child’s heart unless you understand the beliefs and values that are in your heart that you want to pass on to your kids.  

If you are ready to up your instructions to include a why – then I suggest you look for one issue that you are constantly nagging, reminding your kids about – something that is frustrating you – and think about

• What is the right thing you want your kids to do
• Why is it right
• And do they have the skills to do it.

Once you’ve thought that through you can now start teaching them – Teach them what to do and why it is important. Tell them your thinking, what is being processed in your mind when you do that thing. Tell them why it is the right thing to do.

Remember, parenting isn’t about perfection – it is about connecting with your childs heart, nurturing your relationship and being true to your walk with Jesus.  Not guilt.  But walking in love, mercy and grace.  Remember this as you practice this new skill of telling your kids what you are thinking when you are doing things together.  

Thank you for spending time with me today.  As always, it is a joy and privilege to walk with parenting journey with you.

Hi there! I'm Belinda and I'm glad you are here!

I am a family life coach and help parents to raise their kids with faith, values and life skills in a way that is intentional, relational and heart-focused. Read more in my Introduction page

You can learn about heart-focused parenting through my podcast, blog and weekly email (Heart Boosters).

If you need help you can book a coach call or email me here.

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