Welcome back to the Heart-focused Parenting podcast after a month or so off over Christmas and the New Year as I caught up with family and had some rest time.  We are back into the year – episode 91. And we are kicking off with a topic that many of us face daily – the temptation to compare ourselves to other parents.  Whether you are scrolling on social media or watching your kids at the park, or doing the grocery shop it feels like everyone else has it all together while you are just trying to make it through the day!  Let me just say up front – this is not true – but keep listening as I share a few ideas to help you deal with the comparison trap – because it is a trap.

Just this week, I was encouraged by my daughters as I slipped into a bit of a funk; they came along side of me and told me words that I had told them many times. 

“You’re not comparing yourself are you Mum?

“You are not them, be yourself!

It was a timely reminder as I did have to hear those words! 

The thing with comparing ourselves to another isn’t so much the acknowledging that there is a difference, but somehow we internalise that difference to be a weakness in ourselves. It is this aspect that makes comparisons so damaging.

The Damaging Effects of Christian parenting comparison

Did you know most mothers admit to frequently comparing themselves to other women or other parents? Most mothers say at some time: 

• I feel like I’m not doing enough. 
• She seems to have it all together. 
• Her kids are always so well-behaved.
• How does she look so good all the time? 
• I should be more like her.

Do you recognise those things as things you’ve said to yourself?

We’ve probably heard it said – Comparison is the thief of joy. I think Theodore Roosevelt said that.  Well, Comparison not only steals our joy, but it clouds our self-assessment, our ability to assess ourselves truthfully.

It also stops us from being able to love the other person! And as a Christian that is a real problem.

Biblical view on Comparisons

Contentment is the character trait – or the virtue – that settles the heart of comparison.  Contentment is when we are satisfied with what is.  

Actually according to Character First Education, contentment is the opposite to covetousness.  Which just makes you think that when we compare – what is at the heart of it – it really is covetousness.  We don’t like to think about ourselves being covetous but every time those words of comparison come up we are saying – what they have, what they are doing, is better and I want that.  That is really coveting!

We can learn to be content by being thankful for what God has given us, and when we do that we stop complaining about what we have – we stop seeing the negatives and start seeing the positives.

Paul writes in the Bible …for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. Phil 4:11 ESV.

It is an often quoted scripture and yet can we say the same as Paul – can we really say it? As if it is true in our life?

“I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.”

Paul is talking about God’s provision. Whatever comes Paul’s way, he knows that God strengthens him. It isn’t about God giving Paul his every physical or emotional need – but rather God sustaining him in all seasons of life.

The same is for us as parents. God doesn’t promise a rose garden with our kids – but He does promise to sustain us, He does promise to never leave us.

Overcoming Comparisons as a Christian Mum

A quote that our family has talked a lot about in the last couple of years is from Lysa Terkeurst who says, “Mental health is the commitment to reality at all costs.”

Think about that – when you compare does that help you be healthy and strong emotionally and mentally?  Very unlikely.

The Holy Spirit lives inside of you to help you with things like this.  Living with constant comparisons going on in your head is not how God wants you to live. God’s purpose is for you to walk your life growing to be more like Jesus – not more like this other mum! Jesus loves you, redeemed you, and restored you into relationship with Him – and He is with you to help you walk a life that worships Him.

We need to learn to take our eyes off other people and onto Jesus.

Thanks to my upbringing that developed a strong security in who I am (both in Christ, and in my family), I am usually able to stand pretty strong against comparisons. But – there is always a but! When we are tired, uncertain, or overwhelmed it is easier to see someone else’s successes and our own failures. This is when we need someone to get along side of us and remind us to keep our focus on what is true.

The issue actually becomes an issue of contentment. When we focus so much on our weaknesses, we become discontent with who we are, we become discontent with our journey. Can we be content to be who we are, where we are, and where we are going? Sometimes, especially when we are tired, overwhelmed or uncertain this takes trusting God.

So when an attack of comparison comes upon you, I pray that you have someone to stand alongside of you – to remind you of who you are, to remind you of who God is, and the purposes He has for you.

Heart-focused Parenting Action Step

If you are a mum (or a dad) who can’t stop comparing yourself, your kids, your life’s circumstances to others, I want you to ask yourself these two questions 

1. Can I give thanks to God for what He has done in my life, and for what He has given me, and called me to do? Can I give thanks?
2. Can I give thanks to God for what He has done in the life of my friend or acquaintance and for what He has given them, and called them to do?

These are very pointed questions, and they may make you uncomfortable – they have made me uncomfortable as I asked myself the very same questions.  But they get to the heart of it – they help us see what has become important to us – and that can be ugly.  But more importantly – these questions help us readjust our heart and can leave us in a better place.

Just one last thought before I sign off here – and that is, that I want you to remember that being different to another person doesn’t mean you don’t have it together,  doesn’t mean you a less than – it means you have a different story.

Can’t you imagine saying that to your kids?  I know it is something I said often (which is why the girls repeated it back to me!)  

We need to say it to ourselves – just because you are different doesn’t mean you don’t have it together!  

Each person, each couple, each family will have their own set of challenges, joys and milestones.

While one family might thrive on a strict routine, another finds freedom in flexibility, and that is perfectly okay!  One woman likes dressing up another likes leggings and a tee.  One is a minimalist another (like me) is a maximilist!  Being different is what brings a richness and depth to our communities. We need to learn to be okay being different as much as we need to learn to accept another family or another person who is different to us.

Being the same would indeed make this world a dull place.  We need to come to that place of contentment where we can celebrate our family’s unique story (or our unique story as a woman) and know that it is your differences that make you you.  Let’s support one another’s journeys and struggles and lets rejoice with each other’s blessings.  And let’s decide to let comparisons go.  It not only hurts our own heart but it also hurts the relationships we have with others.   

So on that note, thanks for being here as we kick start 2025 on the heart-focused parenting podcast.

Stay heart-focused

Hi there! I'm Belinda and I'm glad you are here!

I am a family life coach and help parents to raise their kids with faith, values and life skills in a way that is intentional, relational and heart-focused. Read more in my Introduction page

You can learn about heart-focused parenting through my podcast, blog and weekly email (Heart Boosters).

If you need help you can book a coach call or email me here.

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