Welcome to today’s episode, where we are looking at how our words and actions affect our children’s hearts? Are we nurturing them or unknowingly creating a disconnect?  We are going to start off by looking at Colossians 3:21  By obeying this verse – which calls us to not provoke our children to wrath (which is a commonly known translation). So how do we do that?  I have 6 simple ideas that will help you encourage rather than discourage your child – TBH – they are simple to talk about, but harder to implement – which makes them all the more important for us to think about and check how we are doing. Whether you’re looking for reassurance or new strategies, this episode offers both hope and practical insights.

As a parent we have the responsibility to encourage our children; to encourage them to good works, to encourage them to love the Lord, to encourage them to seek wisdom. If we can encourage that we could also discourage.

Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged. (NIV) Col 3:21

We may be more familiar with the translation that says ‘provoke not your children to anger’. Anger, frustration, irritation and aggression are all emotions that will break a relationship. And it seems that we as a parent can do something about this – it seems that I can either provoke or not provoke my child.

What does provoking look like in everyday parenting? It can be as subtle as a dismissive remark during a busy day or as overt as an unfair punishment in response to misbehavior. Provoking behaviors might include inconsistent rules that confuse and frustrate a child, not listening to their concerns, or expressing impatience over their learning process. These actions can create an environment of anxiety and resentment, which the Bible talks as ….. And will likely fester in their heart – and hinder the development of a healthy parent-child relationship.

To mend and strengthen the relationship, parents can start by acknowledging these behaviors and apologizing sincerely, opening the lines of communication for the child to express how they feel, and showing a commitment to change. Regularly engaging in positive interactions can rebuild a strong emotional connection.

I want to do all that I can do to strengthen and encourage my parent-child relationship, so I’ve thought of six things that I can do as a parent, that would encourage my child.

How to Stop your Child’s heart from being Discouraged

Be consistent – our children need to know that the standard we expect of them is consistent – the same today, the same tomorrow. When the standard of what we expect becomes variable, based on what is convenient or on however we feel in the moment, it becomes unsettling for our children – they don’t know what is going to be expected of them.  Our expectations and standard needs to be based on objective values and truths, not on our emotions – this will help us be consistent and stop our children from feeling discouraged.

Be True – Authenticity is a big word these days.  It means that we don’t pretend to be anything other than what we are.  We have strengths but we also have weaknesses.  Hypocrisy is when we try and pretend we are something other than what we are.  Our children see us for who we are – they see our strengths and our weaknesses.  And they love us anyway.  As they grow older, our behavioiur of covering up mistakes and weaknesses, and pretending undermines their trust in us – and their heart becomes discouraged.   We need to be humble in acknowledging our weaknesses but also true to the idea that we are growing more and more like Christ (and our children should be able to see that.)

Be aware of Context – When we consider the context of the situation, what is really going on and what is important before we make a judgment call our children will gain a sense of fairness and sense our genuineness. This will foster a response towards the parent’s heart and relationships will be strengthened.  This requires awareness and listening ears because sometimes we need to get understanding before we make a parenting decision.

Walk in forgiveness – not only do we need to offer our children forgiveness we need to ask for forgiveness from our children when we mess up. We need to be humble and honest enough to admit we have done wrong and ask their forgiveness and commit ourselves (to them) to changing.

Be realistic – False expectations damage relationships. We need to watch what expectations we put on our children – remember they are learning. Our expectations need to be based on how much we have taught, practiced and expected. Our children are learning and we must give them time – learning new skills either moral or practical can never be learnt overnight.  When we expect beyond their ability their hearts become discouraged.  

Be kind – the dictionary definition for ‘kind’ is to be generous, warm-hearted, considerate, forbearing and beneficial. Ask yourself: Do my children feel these things from me? We can be so overwhelmed in our role as parent training in all the things that we drop these relationship building emotions. We become bossy and demanding but how much easier our training will be if we approach our children with understanding and warmth.

If you haven’t any charity in your heart,
you have the worst kind of heart trouble.
~Bob Hope

Sometimes we think that if we show love, gentleness, kindness, mercy etc towards our children that we lose our authority. This is so far from the truth. We don’t have authority in our child’s life because of a tough, bossy, unrelenting attitude. We have authority in our child’s life because God has given it to us. Let us not abuse that authority – let us be gracious, compassionate and yet firm and directive. Let us have our children’s best interests at heart, and let us make choices that assure them of that. We can make a choice today to protect our parent/child relationships by not provoking our children.  Taking these steps towards mending and enhancing our relationships can drastically reduce feelings of provocation and build a lasting bond based on mutual respect and love.

Heart-focused Parenting Action Step

If you were to consider each of your children’s hearts – would you say they were discouraged or encouraged?

If you have heard your child say words like:

1. 1. Why are you always mad at me?
   2. You don’t listen to what I’m saying.
   3. I can never do anything right.
   4. I give up, what’s the point?
   5. Just forget it, it doesn’t matter.

Then you need to pause and consider what is going on?  Have you been harsh or unaware, because it sounds like their heart is discouraged? And as their parent, we need to pick up on it – not dismiss it.

I love the idea that to encourage a child is to give them courage – courage to do the right thing, courage to learn to do it better, courage to be themselves etc.  So when we see our children being so discouraged we have an opportunity to turn that around and help them feel empowered, valued and secure.

Do you have a burning question or a story to share about how this podcast has changed your parenting? Send me an email – belinda@belindaletchford.com. I read every message and am very happy to chat about parenting things via email.  

Till next time

Stay heart focused

Read more

Dig Deeper with Part 2 here

Hi there! I'm Belinda and I'm glad you are here!

I am a family life coach and help parents to raise their kids with faith, values and life skills in a way that is intentional, relational and heart-focused. Read more in my Introduction page

You can learn about heart-focused parenting through my podcast, blog and weekly email (Heart Boosters).

If you need help you can book a coach call or email me here.

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