Ever had one of those moments where your child walks in the door, and within minutes, you can tell something is off? Maybe they’re short-tempered, suddenly disrespectful, or acting way too cool for the family rules. You’re left wondering, What happened?! And more importantly how to deal with it!  Today’s episode I’m breaking down what is really going on and how to handle it without becoming confrontational yourself.  You’ll be able to deal with your child’s attitudes with confidence. 

​How To Help Your Child Realign Their Heart After Being With Friends

Do you ever find that when your children come home from being somewhere, their behaviour is not in same as when they left? Looking back on my parenting years, I remember facing this often. Though this can happen when we go out as a family, I found it more likely when my kids went out by themselves. Unless we hide our children away in a hut in the bush somewhere, there will be times when this happens.

They may go to:

• a friend’s birthday party
• a sleepover
• a playdate
• an extended family event
• a youth group activity
• afterschool programs (sports, drama, kids club, etc.)

Why Does My Child Come Home With a Bad Attitude?

When my kids went to such activities, I had already worked out that it wasn’t a ‘bad’ place for them to go. I had already decided this activity was a safe place on the whole. I expected my kids to behave in a way that represented our family values – and I thought that they were able to do so. I respected the adults overseeing such activities.  It’s not that I abdicated my responsibilities toward my children by letting them go somewhere without me.  This is not a discussion on whether our kids should go to these things or not without a parent.  It is about when we decide that they can go – and yet they come back with attitude or making poor choices.  Look, this can happen on a daily occurrence. Just by your kids going to school, or even a homeschool co-op.  No matter how well-prepared our kids are, their heart could still be affected by others and, in our family, this showed up in their behaviour when they came home.

Here’s what I learned: Our kids aren’t necessarily rejecting our values. They are absorbing influence—from friends, media, and the society in general.

And parents? This doesn’t mean you’ve failed. This isn’t a reflection of your parenting, but rather a natural part of raising children in a world where they are constantly influenced by others.  It is a parenting opportunity – and in particular a heart-focused parenting opportunity.

So though it is frustrating – we are better served to look at what is really going on. Why does this happen?  A few key reasons I’ve thought about over the years:

• They are mimicking their friends without even thinking about it
• They are emotionally drained and struggling to do the right thing once they are home
• They encountered different values that challenged what they knew and are now testing the waters
• They feel more connected to their friends than their family at that moment so what you value isn’t so very important to them.  Their values have been muddled by the value they place on their friends.

Each one of these situations gives us a heart issue to address and when we do address these heart issues (what our children are believing and valuing and choosing to act upon) we actually equip them to handle social situations that differ to our family values in better ways. So we are training them to handle themselves in social situations when they are away from us.

Signs your Child may be Influenced by others

I remember when my kids were very young, and we would go on a playdate. I would stay and visit with the other mother while the kids played. These were a highlight of our week—fun times with friends. And yet, there were times I knew (from past experience) that my children would come home with some attitudes that we would have to work on. Attitudes like:

• Being mean to their sibling, just subtle meanness
• Hitting or biting
• Swearing
• Not wanting to share toys that usually were shared
• Eye rolling, sighing or talking back
• Moodiness and a reluctance to talk to us
• Hyperactivity and a difficulty to be calm
• Bossiness

As my children grew older, and they had these playdates without me around this pattern continued. Some friends drew out the best in them, and some friends drew out the worst. That’s just reality—not every friend will encourage godliness.

What the Bible Says About Friends and their Influence

We know this is true as the Bible talks often about the influence of friendships.  

1 Corinthians 15:33 – “Do not be misled: ‘Bad company corrupts good character.’”
Even the strongest kids are influenced by their surroundings—this truth plays out over and over again as our kids grow up and interact with others. We shouldn’t be surprised – we need to be prepared to deal with it.

Proverbs 13:20 – “Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.”
We must teach our children to recognize the character of their friends and choose wisely.  They must also be able to be wise companions for their friends – it goes both ways.

Romans 12:2 – “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.”
Part of our role is to help our children renew their minds after time spent with people who have different values.

I’m not blaming their friends – this is a part of growing up and learning.  The key is for parents to understand what is going on – and address the right issue not just react.  Time with friends creates the context to test the heart – and to do heart-work.

How to Guide your Child with a Bad Attitude

So what can we do when our kids come home from being with others with bad attitudes and behaviour that is not acceptable in our family.   I think we often just remove our child from that friend.  But that isn’t always possible and I am not even sure that it is necessarily the best first step.  It might be what needs to happen eventually but I think, as parents, we can do other things before we get to that place.

When it comes to teaching and training our children’s hearts there are both proactive and reactive things we can do and I have one key parenting practice for each proactive and reactive training.  Let’s talk about the Reactive first.

1-Reactive Heart Training: Teaching After they Make Poor Choices

Reactive Heart Training is our response when we see a gap or difference between what we are teaching our children and the choices they make.  Reactive Heart Training happens after we have seen a bad choice, or a lack in ability to deal with a situation with wisdom.  It isn’t a matter of consequences and punishment but rather training.  

The most effective thing I did when I saw that our kids had been influenced by others was simply to regroup and to give them time to realign their hearts.

• I would make sure we had time together as a family – allowing us to reconnect relationally
• I would address those negative attitudes and behaviours at the first sign – first with a verbal reminder of what the standard was in our house, and why we lived that way. And then secondly with Time so they could think through their choices and what was going on in their heart. They often needed time by themselves to think about their choices and get themselves into a better place.
• I would make sure they had time to just chill, and reconnect with themselves as an individual.  By this I mean I gave them time to be by themselves, doing good things that brought them joy. This often looked like Room Time, or Creative Time. This often got them backin sync with themselves and our family.

To be honest, I learnt to anticipate which social situations would require a reset or realign and I would clear out our schedule even at the time of making the plan for that activity; I knew this activity would require time for a reset and I would make sure that we had time in our schedule to get hearts right. I would plan for time to realign hearts.

Proactive Heart Training: Teaching Before They Face Challenges

Proactive heart training is about teaching beliefs and values and choices and actions before our kids are in a particular situation where they need to make wise choices.  

We teach them

• How to say ‘no’ with confidence when pressured to do something they know isn’t right
• How to speak up when a conversation turns negative (like, gossip, or rude jokes)
• How to shut down or walk away when others are looking at inappropriate things on screens
• How to manage disappointment when things – like playing sport or games – don’t go their way
• How to show respect when talking to adults
• How to make wise choices when they think no one is watching

We teach our kids these things because we know these are the values and skills they need when they are interacting with people.  People either inside our family or outside.

As our kids learn the values and skills and have the ability to make wise choices, their world will naturally expand. They will gain the confidence and responsibility to navigate social situations on their own. We don’t let a 6-year-old do the same things we’d let a 16-year-old do.  Over time we give a child more and more opportunity to practice making good decisions in safe environments— this helps prepare them for independence while ensuring they are equipped to handle the challenges that come with it.

You don’t have to keep your child away from the world, away from other people, or peers —just teach them what’s true so they’re ready to be in the world but not of the world.  You need to anchor them in truth so that they can stand firm in it wherever they are.

Heart-focused Parenting Action Step

Take time this week to observe and see what happens when your child comes home from various activities.  Does their attitude change?  Do their choices change?  How are they engaging once they are home?

Instead of reacting to any poor choices with frustration (or punishments) take the time to realign your child’s heart.  Pause your plans and create space in your day for connection.  You might need to:

• Spend time together doing something that tells your child that you love them, see them, and value them.
• Ask open-ended questions that help them reflect on their choices (and maybe on their experience while away from home)
• Reinforce your family’s beliefs and values through conversations (though not with judgment)  You are here to teach and guide not punish them for immaturity.
• Pray with them to refocus their heart on truth

Realigning your child’s heart could take anywhere from an hour to a full day. Remember, it isn’t  about punishment—it is about renewing the mind, and refocusing the heart. 

Your role is to guide your children’s heart through their experiences, teaching them how to process, discern, and realign what they believe and value and choose to act upon. It is as you do this heart-work with your children that they will grow into young adults who can stand strong in the face of worldly influences.

Before we go today – Do you get my Heart Booster emails? 

There is so much info out there on all sorts of topics these days, I find it helpful to get emails for the stuff I really want.  So if you want more heart-focused parenting encouragement sign up for my weekly Heart Booster emails!  It is one way to stay on track with being intentional, relational and heart-focused.  It is my favourite way to stay in touch with parents. Head to my website – simply – www.belindaletchford.com and join the Heart Booster mailing list today!  

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Hi there! I'm Belinda and I'm glad you are here!

I am a family life coach and help parents to raise their kids with faith, values and life skills in a way that is intentional, relational and heart-focused. Read more in my Introduction page

You can learn about heart-focused parenting through my podcast, blog and weekly email (Heart Boosters).

If you need help you can book a coach call or email me here.

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