3 core words you will hear me say often about parenting is to be intentional, relational and heart-focused.  But if you’re new here, you might be wondering what those words actually mean.  If you’ve been around for a while, now is a good time for a refresher.  There’s so much parenting information and advice out there – it is easy to feel overwhelmed and pulled in different directions. Which is why it is so important to come back to your foundation:  to know what you believe and how you want to show up as a parent.  For me that meant being intentional, relational and heart-focused, so today I’m sharing what those words mean, and how they shape everything about how you do family life.

How To Parent With Connection And Purpose: A Framework That Works

Before we jump in, I want to remind you—this episode isn’t about giving you one more thing to do. It’s about helping you slow down and remember why you parent the way you do. Whether you’re in the thick of toddler life, navigating the tween years, or parenting teens, coming back to your core values gives you clarity, confidence, and calm in the chaos. (huh!  Don’t you like those words all starting with C!)

Understanding the ‘Heart’?

When we think of the heart, we often think of emotions, but the Bible paints a much fuller picture. 

Proverbs 4:23 says:  ‘Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.’

That’s a big statement—everything you do flows from your heart. So, the heart isn’t just about how we feel—it includes how we think, what we believe, what we value, and what we choose. It’s the core of who we are.”

And I have included in this episode’s free download a list of Bible verses that helped me understand the full extent of how the Bible talks about the heart.

Understanding this changed how I parented.  I stopped just telling my kids what to do –  I started to teach their heart, not just their emotions, but I started to teach them what is right in any given situation, why it was right and how to do right.  I started to teach them to understand how God’s values – the things God thinks as important – play out in our lives today, how those things are to shape their choices and how we do things.

This understanding of ‘the heart’ shaped how I saw my children as well. Their behavior wasn’t just about rules and their obedience or defiance; it was a window into what was going on inside: what they believed about themselves, about God, about what’s right and wrong, it was a glimpse of what they were able to do or not able to do. If I only dealt with surface-level behaviour, I’d miss the opportunity to teach them what they really needed to know – and that is the job God had given me to do.

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What is Relational Parenting?

When I talk about being relational, I’m really talking about acknowledging my child’s personhood and my respecting that. They’re not just someone I manage or direct. They’re a whole person, made in the image of God – with thoughts, emotions, needs, and a story that’s still unfolding. That means I treat them with the same respect, kindness, and patience I would offer any other person I love and care for.  Their maturity – or lack thereof  – doesn’t dictate my respect towards them.  

The love described in 1 Corinthians 13 was a real challenge to me as a young parent.  The love that is patient and kind, not rude or easily angered—that love is meant to show up in my parenting too. It’s not just for marriage or friendship or the people I serve in my church. It’s for the little (or not-so-little) people living in my home.

I had to ask myself: Am I patient? Am I kind? Am I keeping a record of wrongs? Those words weren’t meant to stay on a wedding card—they were meant to shape how I treat people every day – and that included my kids.

Relational parenting is also about connection; we parent from connection not control. Yes, we still correct, we still teach, and we still have expectations, but we do it within the context of a relationship that is emotionally safe and built on trust.

I’ve seen over and over again that when my relationship with one of my kids was strong, they were far more open to learn from what I was trying to say to them, be it instruction or correction.

And then, being relational changed how I did give instructions or how I corrected them  – baseline was – I treated them with respect.  I made eye contact, used a gentle tone, and made sure they heard me and knew what was expected.  I also slowed down and listened to them, asked questions, and gave them time.  It wasn’t about me barking out orders and handing out consequences – it was about having a calmness, being directive, conversational, giving instructions, setting them up for success, encouraging them, helping them to learn and grow – not just demanding that they do it.  I guess you could say it was Respectful Parenting.

What Does it Mean to Be Intentional or Purposeful?

When I talk about intentional parenting, I mean parenting with intent.

That might sound obvious, but it’s actually something many of us skip. We jump into parenting without slowing down to ask:
What is my intention?
What kind of family culture do I want?
What kind of person do I want my child to be? 
And are the parenting things I’m doing working us towards that?

Intentional parenting begins with knowing your purpose. You need to know what matters most to you – not just for the moment, but for the long term.  What kind of people do you want your children to become? Is your intention to raise a Christ-follower? A responsible, thoughtful, truthful young person?  A person who knows who they are and what they can contribute to their community? That intention becomes your north star.

But good intentions aren’t enough. You also have to address the things that block your intention from becoming reality. That might be distractions or busyness, old habits, pressure from your family and friends, or simply being so tired that you are reacting to each moment instead of responding with purpose.

Then the third step is to take action with intention.
Don’t just hope things will change. Make a plan. Carve out time. Create a new habit. Take the next intentional step.

About once a month, I would look at each of my kids and ask, What are they struggling with, and what do they need to learn so that they can do that aspect of life well?  And then I’d build that into our week, whether it was a conversation, a routine, or a teaching moment so that they could learn to do better.

Proverbs 21:5 says, “The plans of the diligent lead surely to abundance, but everyone who is hasty comes only to poverty.” That’s true in parenting: when we’re thoughtful, consistent, and diligent with our plans, we will see fruit over time.

Becoming the Parent I wanted to Be

I just want to say – I grew into these three ideas.  I wasn’t always intentional, relational, and heart-focused, or at least I couldn’t put words to those things.  

I have been very blessed to have a mentor in my mum who lived these things.  Mum and Dad were intentional, relational and heart-focused.  In all their ventures, you’d see these three traits – though they don’t use those words specifically.  So in a sense, it was a part of my makeup (my DNA), and my mum called me to these things every time I phoned her to talk about something.  But I had to grow into making these values a part of my thinking and doing life and you probably do too.

I raised my kids in an era where Christian parenting was often authoritarian, where “because I said so” was the norm. We didn’t want that for our family—there had to be a different way. These days, the societal norm has swung in the other direction: parenting is often child-centered, as if the child is inherently good, knows what’s best, and the parent’s job is simply to support them in finding their own way. But that approach is equally unbiblical.

God has given us the responsibility and authority to be parents: to lovingly lead, teach, and guide our children. We are called to train them in truth, to disciple their hearts, and to help them grow in wisdom and character. Parenting isn’t about control or avoiding conflict – it’s about being actively involved. It’s about nurturing the children God has given to us, helping them know what is good and true, and walking with them as they learn to choose to live by those beliefs for themselves.

That’s why I do this podcast. That’s why I write the Heart Booster emails every week and offer coaching, because I know how important it is to have someone walking alongside you, reminding you that this kind of parenting is possible. My mum was always reminding me to identify the next one thing to work on.  By focusing on one thing, I made progress – by focusing on all the things it became overwhelming.

Heart-focused Parenting Action Step:

Before the day is done, take a few minutes to pause and ask yourself:
“What kind of parent do I want to be, and what’s one step I can take today to move in that direction?” Maybe it’s a mindset shift, or making time for a conversation, or a choice to slow down and connect with your child.

Keep Reading with Part 2:  A Framework that works

Hi there! I'm Belinda and I'm glad you are here!

I am a family life coach and help parents to raise their kids with faith, values and life skills in a way that is intentional, relational and heart-focused. Read more in my Introduction page

You can learn about heart-focused parenting through my podcast, blog and weekly email (Heart Boosters).

If you need help you can book a coach call or email me here.

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