Parenting can so easily become all about behaviour.  We hear ourselves all day saying things like – ‘Stop that, do this, don’t forget.’ But as Christian parents, we want our kids to know God personally, not just know the rules. So in this episode, I want to talk about how we can use those everyday moments when our kids need correction to disciple their hearts because we want our kids to know God’ not just obey His rules.

Christian Parents are you focused on Correction or Introducing Jesus?

Every day our kids are making decisions.  Do they tell the truth? Do they share? Do they show kindness? Do they forgive? Do they walk away from what their friends are doing?  jWe don’t always give credence to this decision making process.  And yet that is the crux of heart-focused parenting.

Though our kids could make good and wise choices, it is when they make a wrong choice – when they lie, snatch, hit, hold a grudge, they follow the crowd and get into trouble – that’s when we step in as parents. We correct, we discipline, we guide, because we want our child – whatever their age – to make good and wise choices.  But these moments are more than opportunities to correct behaviour.  They are opportunities to help our children see and know God.

Moving Beyond Rules to Heart-Focused Parenting

And this is the bigger picture I want us to hold onto. We aren’t called, as Christian parents, to raise polite children who follow the rules. Of course, obedience matters — Jesus said, ‘If you love me, you will keep my commands.’ But our goal isn’t just outward compliance. We want our kids to obey because they love God and know His ways, not just because they fear consequences. 

We are told to raise children who are growing in an awareness of God – to know who He is (His character and His ways) and to enjoy His presence.

Eph 6:4 says (and we often focus on the first part of this verse – but we need to consider the whole verse!)

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.  Eph 6:4

Which a quick interpretation of this is that we are to raise our kids in the practices (the things they do, their habits) and understanding of the Lord Jesus Christ. Maybe another way to say it would be – that we are to shape their habits and guide their thinking so that they learn to live in the ways that Jesus taught.  

I think that sums up our mission statement as Christian parents.

From Correction to Discipleship: Raising Kids to Know God

We jump into correcting our kids generally because they broke a rule.  Rules can tell us what to do, but they don’t change the heart. God is the one who changes the heart. And this is where how we parent, or how we deal with these situations will make the difference. Because if we just say, “Don’t lie, don’t hit, don’t be selfish,” then we’re only training our kids to follow rules. But if we can help them see the God who is behind those instructions, we’re teaching them to live with Him in mind.

So we need to flip our words. 

• Instead of saying, “Don’t lie—it’s wrong,” we can say, “We don’t lie because God is truth, and He wants us to always be truthful. Lies hurt people, but truth brings a peace in your heart (or in your relationships).” 

Now you may not say those words verbatim – in fact, you need to find your own way of saying this.  But instead of focusing on the “it is wrong” focus on why God wants us to do the right thing.  And use the words that describe whatever the ‘right thing’ is.  So we talk about telling the truth instead of harping on about lying.  We all need to be called out on what we do wrong, so call them out on lying, but then elevate the good, wise, and rights actions.  Don’t just whitewash by talking in terms of right and wrong.

So another example would be – 

• When our child shares a toy, instead of just praising them, we can say, “I love seeing you being generous with your toys – when you share, that is loving your sister. And remember, Jesus wants us to love one another.” 
• When they forgive, we can say, “Forgiving isn’t always easy, but God tells us to forgive because He forgave us first. When we forgive, we are walking in His ways, and that brings peace to our hearts and our relationships.”

See the difference? The focus shifts from keeping the rule to knowing the Ruler and undersanding His ways.

Christian Parenting That Points Kids to God, Not Just Rules

But let me add a little caution here. Sometimes, without even realizing it, we can fall into using the fear of God to motivate our children instead of introducing them to who God is. It can sound like, “God is watching, so you’d better behave,” or “God won’t like it if you do that.” And while those words might get quick compliance, they don’t actually help our children get to know God or follow Jesus – which is our ultimate desire for our kids.

What our kids need isn’t a picture of God as a strict policeman waiting to catch them out. They need to know Him as the God who made them, loved them, and restores them into a relationship with Himself.  They also need to know that sin entered the world, and we all have a desire to do life our way ignoring God our Creator/Father and that Jesus didn’t just show us a better way to live – He died and rose again to forgive our sins and to give us a new heart – a heart that wants to obey God.  They need to know that God is a God who is truth, who is love, who is forgiving and generous, a God who is holy, righteous and loves justice.  We have to be careful not to give a flat description of God, or a narrow narrative of just sin and eternity (be it heaven or hell).  We need to teach the whole of God’s story and introduce all the names of God – so that they can truly know Him.

So if you notice your words leaning toward fear or threatening, pause for a moment and change your words. Instead of pointing to God’s disapproval, point to His character or His truths. Instead of saying, “God is watching,” say, “God is with you, helping you choose what’s right.”  One breeds fear, the other encourages relationship.

So every wrong choice our child makes, becomes opportunities to point our children to Jesus, to help them see who He is and how He calls us to live.  Correction on its own may change the action in the moment but when we take this moment of correction, and give them understanding of God and His ways we impact their heart and therefore their choices, for their lifetime.

Heart-focused Parenting Action Step

So here’s my challenge for you this week: as you guide your children through those moments that happen every day – when your child ignores your instruction, when they roll their eyes and stomp away, when they complain, be mean, or refuse to admit their wrong doings – listen to your words, but not just the words – listen to the message your child’s heart is hearing.  Especially the message they are hearing about Jesus.  Are you simply reinforcing rules, or are you lifting their eyes to see God, helping them to respond to Him and live in ways that honour God.

Ask yourself: Am I giving my child a picture of God that makes them fearful of messing up? Or am I giving them a vision of God that draws them toward His love and gives them hope for their future?

When you shift your words this way, the times your kids make poor choices – when they do the wrong thing – it isn’t about correcting them, and getting them to do the right thing – though that certainly makes our life easier – the moment becomes an invitation for your child to hear about God – not just his forgiveness, but His character, His invitation to a relaitonship, His promises – and its on that foundation that our children learn to do the right thing.

Thanks for joining me today. If this conversation has sparked something in your heart, I’d love to hear what stood out to you. And as always, let’s keep parenting with intention, with relationship, and with a heart focused on God. (email:  belinda {at} belindaletchford {dot} com)

Further Reading

If today’s episode has you thinking more about how to disciple your children, here are some posts you might find helpful:  

I feel too Inadequate to Talk to my Children about Jesus:  Many parents feel unqualified to share their faith with their kids. This post offers encouragement that it’s not about having perfect words but about living out a genuine faith and trusting God to use you right where you are.

Teach the Bible from Your Heart and Impact Your Child’s Heart:  Teaching the Bible isn’t about following a script or ticking off a curriculum box. I encourage you to let God’s Word flow from your own walk with Him, making your teaching personal and relevant for your child.

Jesus is Our Example as we Disciple Our Children:   Parenting is discipleship, and Jesus gives us the model. This post explores how His way of teaching, relating, and guiding others shows us how to disciple our kids in everyday life.

Hi there! I'm Belinda and I'm glad you are here!

I am a family life coach and help parents to raise their kids with faith, values and life skills in a way that is intentional, relational and heart-focused. Read more in my Introduction page

You can learn about heart-focused parenting through my podcast, blog and weekly email (Heart Boosters).

If you need help you can book a coach call or email me here.

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