Hey there, welcome back to Heart-Focused Parenting.  If you read my regular Heart Booster emails you will know that Pete and I just got back from an adventure of sorts in France.  We spent time in Paris and then 10 days on a canal.  Since we were on our own, in a boat,  it was a lot of hard work, but a lot of fun too – very different than anything we’ve done before.

And it got me to thinking – here in Australia the summer holidays or Christmas break is coming up and a lot families are starting to think about family trips – road trips, camping, visiting relatives, or maybe flying somewhere new.  Travelling as a family can be such a fun time – with lots of laughter and memory-making – or it can be very stressful as it brings out some less-than-lovely attitudes – in both parents and kids alike!!  

So today, I want to share four virtues that make travel easier and more than that, how you can begin building them into your family everyday life now, before the suitcases come out.  Because character isn’t something we can just switch on when we are out in public – it is something we grow in day by day – and what we do at home will prepare us to do out and about better.

So what is Character?

I define character as the quality of our response to people or things based on our values.  So we can have good character – that is when we consistently respond with virtues such as kindness, patience, self-control and responsibility. Interestingly, we can also have bad character which is when we are known for responding to people or things without those virtues.  You may not be familiar with the word virtues and how it impacts our parenting (it can seem like an old fashioned word, and we may be more familiar with values, or character traits – and when I talk I do tend to interchange those three words to mean pretty much the same thing – virtues, values, character traits.  

 You will be familiar with my emphasis on the heart (after all I talk about heart-focused parenting). I believe, like the Bible says, what is in our heart will come out in our actions and attitudes.  The heart is the place in each of us that processes, holds and activates our beliefs, values, convictions, emotions and choices.  So when we teach our children that particular virtues are important, and we teach them how to respond to life based on those virtues – we are teaching them to live wisely.

 I think one of the base lines for most parents is we want our kids to do the right thing.  In whatever situation.  There are 3 reasons why something is the right thing to do.  They are:

• Gods word tells us it is the right thing to do
• There is a character trait – or virtue that makes it the right thing to do
• There is a practical, safety reasons that makes it the right thing to do

So with that all as our platform, our basis for parenting – lets get back to our topic for today – how do we travel, or go on a trip, or a family holiday – without chaos, without damaging our relationships, and to be honest, without upsetting either other travellers or our family and friends? 

The reality of parenting is – that whatever we allow in our home, will come out when we are out and about. Our kids can only put on good behaviour for so long – and then normal squirts out. If your kids are used to arguing with you, they’ll argue on a plane.  If they are used to whining and getting their own way – they’ll expect that to happen at Grandmas.  If they are used to doing what they want when they want if they want then that is the expectation they will have as you set out on a road trip.  Cajoooling them to behave won’t get you very far!

So what to do?  The issues that you face while on a family trip or holiday or vacation is no different than any of the issues that you face during any other time of the year – you and your family are just in a different context.  You might be under more pressure because you are going home and you want it all to be honky-dory – but your kids will be normal! Whatever you do at home – they’ll do wherever you are.

So you need to give them a new normal.  Teach them now, practice over the coming weeks so that they understand how to live out the values or virtues that you feel they are going to need in the situations they’ll be in over this holiday time.  

Every situation you face is likely to need a different character-based response but I’ve chose 4 virtues that I believe help with travelling – being in a car, plane, train … travelling to your location.  These are:  Patience, Flexibility, Self-control and Responsibility.  Let me break down each of those for you so that you can decide which one will be key for you to focus on over the next few weeks so you can help your kids do well when you start to travel or go on a holiday.

Patience

Patience is waiting without getting upset – and the opposite (or vice) is Frustration.  When there is no patience – what we’ll be seeing is frustration.

There is lots of waiting when travelling – whether that is waiting for a plane to board, waiting for Dad to finish packing the car, or waiting because your sibling is tired and going slow.  

When we can be patient we are thinking of the other people more than our own immediate needs and comfort.  We realise life isn’t about us.  Patience is also about controlling our frustration (our emotions) and acknowledging that we are not in control of everything. 

I am sure you are aware of situations happening in your home that can teach patience.  I encourage you to start using the word ‘patience’ when you want to call attention to the emotions or attitude when your children have to wait for others.   

• Waiting for dinner
• Waiting for your turn while playing games
• Waiting in a checkout line
• Waiting for your turn to talk (or interrupting an adult talking)

 All of these situations give you an opportunity to teach patience. 

Whenever we teach a virtue – we need to teach what it means, why it is important and what it looks like in action. 

One way we helped our kids be patient – or wait with patience – was that wherever we went they took a book – including when we travelled.  Actually when we travelled every person carried a small board game or card game in their hand luggage so that if we did have to wait, we had something to occupy ourselves with.

Flexibility

Flexibility is being willing to change plans when needed, the vice is stubbornness.   

Flexibility is needed whenever we do anything with other people – because our own preferences or ideas aren’t always able to happen and life is always changingso we need to be flexible.  But add travelling to the mix and you get flights that are delayed, things that are lost or forgotten, plans get rained out and hotels mix up rooms.  Flexibility means we are willing to adjust without grumbling.   

The key to flexibility is being able to handle change:  change in plans, change in expectations – and sometimes it is a lot to handle emotionally, especially if a child is already outside of their comfort space.  The key to talk about with flexibility is that sense of safety when change happens and then some coping skills to handle that change.  

So start talking about flexibility – what it means, why it is important, and how to actually be it.  Talk about things that are within your control and outside of your control.  Give your children the words to explain how they feel when things change around them and they have no sense of control, and then give them some tools so that they can manage those big feelings.

And if you want to go an extra step – talk about how when a problem arises or a change happens – how they can choose to be stubborn and demanding or they can be flexible and go with the flow, or they can become a problem solver and actually be proactive, not only in adapting to the change but making the change work for others.  This is just an extra challenge – maybe for those who are older, or who can already handle their emotions when it comes to change – maybe you can give them the challenge to be a problem solver.  

In our family, two of our children really struggled when plans changed – it threw them off balance emotionally. When plans had to change, I’d say with a cheerful voice (not over the top because we can still be empathetic towards their struggle and disappointment but we can also call them onto flexibility o or to choose flexibility. I would say something like, “Remember we talked about flexibility – this is an opportunity to be flexible!”  I always used the big words of virtue – but I explained what it meant.

That little phrase became like a positive trigger – a reminder of what they’d already learned and practised. Which meant they could regulate their emotions (or at least be quicker at regulating their emotions) because they understood the bigger picture.  They understood that they were feeling uncertain because of change, but we’d talked about change, and they knew they could be okay when things changed.

For those who struggled with flexibility, I also gave them time to adjust their expectations – to get their emotions under control, to self-regulate.  Of course, you can’t delay things just because one child is struggling, so giving them time, sometimes looked like the family moved on doing whatever had to happen, and the struggling child had some time to themselves to catch up. 

When we are teaching our children to make character-based choices, we have to understand that it takes time, it is a journey.  It takes time to learn things and make these things a habitual response – and that is okay.  This is what we are here for – to support our child as they are learning and growing in the habits of a specific character trait.

Self-Control

Self-control is choosing to do what is right, even when you want something else – and the vice is impulsiveness.  If you are seeing impulsiveness then self-control is the virtue that is missing. 

In a way self-control covers it all – if you have self-control you can show patience and flexibility.  But I list is separately because I think it is a good one for parents to consider for themselves.  It is also a good one, maybe because it is broader and up for a broader application, for you to talk about with your teens.  

Self-control is managing your emotions, words, and actions regardless of what is happening around you.  Self-control helps you do the right thing regardless of what you feel like doing.  Self-control keeps you calm when tired, keeps you kind even when sunburnt or disappointed.

Travel pushes everyone’s limits – there’s new routines, late nights, extra sugar! Teaching self-control helps kids (and parents) stay steady when their emotions run high. We need to always keep in front of our mind, what is the right thing to do regardless of what I feel like doing.

One of the ways we introduced self-control was by giving the language prompts of Stop/Think/Choose – imagine a traffic light:  Red: Stop,  Orange: Think, Green: Go/Choose.   This is a tangible lesson (even for our kids who grew up in the bush and had no traffic lights in our town!)

I found that if I was in tune with my kids, I could often see when they were getting overwhelmed and struggling with self-control.  I’d grab hand, and give it a squeeze and whisper – let’s practice self-control – stop, think, choose.  Often my presence was enough of a support for them to get there.  But if not – I already had their hand and we were able to go somewhere private so that the child could process whatever they were struggling with, I could encourage them in wise choices, and help them get there all with dignity and without imposing a meltdown on everyone else.  This of course didn’t always work, sometimes meltdowns just come out of no where, you think everything is going okay and then obviously it’s not – but self-control, like every other character-based choice is a work in progress – and we as a family had to be gracious towards each other as we each grew in this response.

Which of course leads to forgiveness – which I won’t go into today – but I will encourage you to consider how your family handles a break in relationship (because of a lack of self-control) and how you restore connection and harmony.

Responsibility

Responsibility is taking ownership of your choices and duties – the vice is apathy, not caring about your choices and duties.  

Each child needs to take ownership for their own things – to the degree of their ability.  Their ability is far greater than we often give them credit for.  Our kids can learn to be responsible if we teach them why it is important, give them the skills so they can actually be responsible for things, and then we need to give them the opportunity.  Basically we need to stop doing everything for them. 

Our children were responsible for keeping track of their backpack, and what was in their backpack:  their shoes, hat, waterbottle, book, art supplies, toy and maybe a jacket.  But this was normal everyday responsibility that they had at home as well – whenever we went to an appointment, if I went to a friends for a cuppa, or we went to the library or homeschool co-op the kids had to pack their backpack, and be responsible for it.   

You will be surprised how much of your mental load this reduces – and how much confidence it builds in our kids. 

To train for this at home I would tell them that we were going out and they needed to get ready.  This was the trigger for them (since we’d already talked about it and built the habit) that they needed to get their shoes, hat, waterbottle and book ready.  Five minutes before we left I’d expect them to be sitting on the couch reading their book.  If not I’d ask – what do you need to do to get ready to go – or I’d double check with them if they had everything. 

Initially I’d list everything, like a reminder: hat, shoes, waterbottle, book?

But as they learnt I’d replace this list with a vague statement like: Are you ready to go?  

If they had learnt but chose to be slack then that was on them, not me. And that day they went without whatever they forgot.  

Same with leaving a space – I’d say – Are you ready to leave.  This was code for – do you have your stuff.  If they said yes, but didn’t – then that stuff got left behind.  

Another aspect of being responsible is making your bed, doing your chores.  If we think about it these skills are transferrable into travelling situations too.  Keeping their suitcase tidy, knowing where their dirty clothes are, packing up their toys, helping with the dishes, seeing jobs that need to be done.  

Being in a different context may throw your kids and they may not show as much initiative as you would like – but if they have the skills, and they know the virtue of responsibility – then they will respond to your instructions and requests with promptness.

Heart-focused Parenting Actions Step

If you are going on a family trip – or holiday or vacation – take a few minutes to think about the situations your children will face

1. Picture your trip:  Think about what kinds of moments are likely to test everyone’s character – the waiting, the delays, the changes, the tiredness, the different environments, the different people – take time to think it through – through the eyes of each of your children – envisage how they are g oing to respond, and what their struggles will be.
2. Assess your child’s current abilities: Reflect on how each of your children already practice these four virtues – or show a decided lack of: patience, flexibility, self-control and responsibility.  
3. Decide your focus:  as you see the situations you face, and the struggles or lacks in your children you have immediately identified the heart-focus for the next month.  
4. Look every day moments:  Though travel takes us to different locations, mixes us with different people and gives us different experiences – responding to people and circumstances with character is a transferrable skill.  So start talking about these virtues, and start practicing acting this way – I’m sure once you start thinking about it you’ll see the need for these values driven responses all around you every day.

Maybe you aren’t heading off anywhere – but you’ve got to the end of this episode anyways.  Let me encourage you – that these character traits are responses we want to see in our kids regardless of where you are over Christmas, or over the school holidays.  They are 4 virtues that will help your kids make wise choices whatever and wherever they are – so pick one and start teaching it to your kids!

Hi there! I'm Belinda and I'm glad you are here!

I am a family life coach and help parents to raise their kids with faith, values and life skills in a way that is intentional, relational and heart-focused. Read more in my Introduction page

You can learn about heart-focused parenting through my podcast, blog and weekly email (Heart Boosters).

If you need help you can book a coach call or email me here.

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