The Real Reason Kids Don't Listen
Ever feel like you’re parenting on repeat?
You say the right words — “be kind,” “use your manners,” “speak respectfully” over and over again but nothing actually changes.
It seems like your kids just tune you out, white noise they don’t take any notice to.
It’s frustrating, exhausting, and honestly… a bit defeating.
In this week’s episode, I unpack why our words lose their weight, how to rebuild meaning in the things we say, and the simple shift that gets kids listening again.
Empty Words
Kids know when you mean it and when you don’t. And they’ll choose the path of least resistance.
So if they don’t have to act, or change what they are doing – they won’t.
So if you aren’t going to follow through, they’ll tune you out and take no notice.
One simple change you can make is to stop giving verbal reminders (or instructions) unless you have physical contact with your child.
Touching their shoulder
Holding their hand
Making eye contact
When you can discipline yourself to give instructions in a healthy and wise way – you help your children to learn to do the right thing themselves.
Check your Motivation
Ever caught yourself speaking out of frustration rather than purpose?
You are constantly reminding your child of the right thing to do – but it seems like nothing is ever changing. It is probably because you say the words, but don’t follow through to make sure there has been some sort of action taken by your child.
When we realise this we have to make changes.
If we can get into the habit of asking ourselves these two questions we will be a lot more intentional in giving instructions or reminders.
1️⃣ Am I willing to get up and follow through?
If I’m not prepared to follow through, then speaking doesn’t train anything — it just becomes noise. So if I’m not prepared to take action I am better off not saying anything.
2️⃣ Why am I telling my child what to do? Is it because I want to look good – or because I’m going to put in the effort to help my child do the right thing?
I know that these are tough questions – but if we want to be intentional parents, we have to deal with our heart first – because what is in our heart comes out in our parenting practices.
Stop Virtue Signaling as a Parent
It is easy to sound like we are teaching our kids – we are constantly telling them what to do.
But unless our words have actions we are just virtue signalling (saying the right words, no action resulting in no changes).
Once we catch ourselves in this parenting trap we can start to change our habits.
If we want our children to make better choices, we need to get up, be close, be clear and be helpful!
Where do you feel your children seem to ignore you the most? Consider that this may be where you are just repeating yourself and they are tuning you out.
Once you know you can make a plan to change.
Effective follow-through means taking action after you’ve spoken.
Follow-through means helping, redirecting or correcting our kids so that they learn to do it right – soon after you give the instruction.
The longer the delay in our follow-through the harder it will be for our kids to learn to do the right thing because we’ve allowed them to do the wrong thing and that becomes their established response.
Follow-through isn’t punishment – it is a part of our training: teaching our children so that they know how to do the right thing.
Extra support is available
Whether you desire to change your own habits, your family culture or how your children are behaving, coaching will provide you with ideas, support and accountability. My approach is to focus on your values and to clarify the steps necessary so you can eventually see those values lived out in the life of your family. Working with a coach is an effective way to move forward in your family life.
Learn more…
Parents, it is Important to Keep your Word when you Speak to your Child
I had a houseguest once who called me on how important it is to keep your word as a mum. Let your yes be yes, and your no be no – is what he said. He called me on second guessing myself, on entering negotiations, and on changing what I had said when my kids didn’t like it and not following through after I did say something. He had a point and for a while after he left us, I heard his voice in my head – keep your word: let your yes be yes, and your no be no. It really is a first step for parenting well. So lets look into this today… Read/listen here
How to Teach the Why for everything your Child Does
Parenting often feels like a constant roll of reminders, prompts, and, yes, even nagging. But what dowe do if the constant correction (that we feel caught up in) isn’t actually changing anything? Often the real issue is that your kids don’t know why you’re telling them to do these things? Join me as we talk about how sharing your thought process changes how kids learn and grow into moral maturity. Read/listen here
How to Help your Children do the Right Thing
My goal as a Christian parent was to raise children who loved God, loved others and who were able to make wise choices as they lived in their community using their passions and talents to be a blessing to others. Sounds good on paper – but how do we raise our kids to do the right thing – to even know what the right thing is and then to have the strength of character to do it? In this episode I talk about 4 practical things we can do that will help our children do the right thing. When you start adding these heart-focused parenting strategies to your parenting toolbox you are laying the groundwork for your kids to be able to step up with integrity and responsibility. Read/listen here
FAQ Parents ask about their Kids not Listening
If you are skimming and want some quick answers then these frequently asked questions will quickly get the heart of this parenting issue and give you simple next steps you can put into practice today.
Why do kids tune out when parents talk?
Kids tune out for a few reasons – but the overarching reason is that they don’t believe their parents really mean what they are saying. The parent constantly says things from the other side of the room, with no follow-through it just becomes white noise to the kids ears. It isn’t necessarily disrespect its just that they’ve learnt that it is a suggestion, and it is easier to ignore it and keep doing what they are doing. So though we as parents react to our child for not listening, we would be better to check our own parenting habits and make sure we are prepared to get involved if we give an instruction.
What does effective follow-through look like?
Follow-through isn’t about following up with a consequence or punishment – it is about being involved, helping and encouraging our children to do the right thing, before they have a chance to do the wrong thing. We give reminders for a reason, but when we don’t follow-through our words make no difference. So good follow-through is about getting up, getting close, making sure our children understand what is expected of them, and then helping them to do that.
How can I help my child listen the first time, without resorting to yelling?
The reason why our children respond when we yell, is that they’ve learnt that when we get to that stage, we really mean what we say. So if we don’t want to yell, we need to really mean what we say, when we first say it in a normal voice. We can give instructions with a firm, clear voice and then follow through straight away. So that our children learn that when we speak, we do truly mean it.
What do I do on the days when I'm too tired for follow-through?
The reality is as a parent we have to deal with the consequences of our choices. So if we are too tired to give good instructions (and follow-through), we have to deal with the fallout of our kids doing whatever they want. We have a choice – do we spend the little energy we do have on giving good instructions or do we spend that energy on cleaning up the mess (either physically, emotionally, morally) because we stayed quiet. Whatever choice we make, we will have to engage with our kids.
Why can't I just tell my child what to do and they do it?
Because our children are learning. There may come a day that you can just tell them and they do it – but unless you teach and they practice they won’t get to that step. With every skill or moral choice our children need to learn, they need to be taught and given time to practice and then we can expect. But if we expect without the training we just end up frustrated and our kids are left feeling unfairly treated.
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Hi there! I'm Belinda and I'm glad you are here!
I am a family life coach and help parents to raise their kids with faith, values and life skills in a way that is intentional, relational and heart-focused. Read more in my Introduction page
You can learn about heart-focused parenting through my podcast, blog and weekly email (Heart Boosters).
If you need help you can book a coach call or email me here.
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