The other day I was talking to a parent about a bad habit they had fallen into and suddenly realised we were talking about virtue signaling.  Not the political version that we hear about online, but a parenting version.  And that is – we say all the right words, but take no action, which leaves our words meaningless.  

We’ve all done it, it’s easy to slip into – but it isn’t going to make any difference to our kids behaviour or the tone in our family.  So lets look at this and find a better way.

When Your Words Don’t Work: The Real Reason Kids Tune Out And How To Fix It

So many parents say the right things to their kids.  They throw out instructions, reminders and even add the “WHY” to their instructions so their kids have understanding.

We say things like:

• Kind words please
• Don’t speak to mum like that
• Use your manners
• Say sorry
• Stop being so rude!

 These are good instructions – good reminders – or at least reminders for good things. They reflect the values we want for our kids.

 The problem isn’t the words  – the problem is that too often there is no follow through.

What Is Parenting Virtue Signalling?

We say the right thing but we don’t check to see that the child has taken on board our instruction or reminder – we don’t get up to help them do the right thing.  It seems as if we hope that our words alone will shape behaviour or change their attitude – but too often they don’t, and then because we don’t take action, the words just hang in the air.

When this keeps happening, over time, our kids learn that mum says a lot of things she doesn’t really mean – or I don’t even understand.  Our voice becomes white noise.

And that’s why I call it virtue signaling by parents.  We say the right thing, we sound like a good parent, but because we don’t take any action, because we don’t get up and give the guidance or help that our kids really need – our words never change our child’s choices.  

So this week’s podcast is just a reminder to listen to yourself.  Are you throwing out words, and not following through?

Why Follow-Through Matters in Christian Parenting

This is actually a part of giving good instructions to your kids.  I think maybe we see these little words we throw out towards our kids as reminders, and we don’t give them the same weight of significance in our mind, as if we were giving an instruction.  But they are the same thing – we are reminding our children of the right thing to do, usually because we’ve already taught them, but it’s the same thing really.  We want our words to direct their choices.  

How to Give Good Instructions 

So the key principles in giving good instructions to our kids are:

1- Be prepared to follow through.  Commit to the idea that if you are not going to get up and take action, then don’t say the words.  If it isn’t worth standing up, walking over, helping them calm down, guiding them towards an apology, or supporting them in a task, then it is not worth saying at all.  We have to make our words meaningful again.  Don’t say it unless you intend to action it.  And by action, I don’t mean consequences and punishment – I mean training and support.

2-Get close and make contact.  (Physical contact – like touching their arm, holding their hands, or at least eye contact.) Don’t give instructions from the next room, or even from the other side of the room.  Get close, get down to their level, make sure they hear your words, and understand what is expected of them.

3-Give clear instructions.  Give instructions that tell you child what to do and why it is important

4-Wait for a response.  This is about being available and aware as a parent.  That’s our heart posture.  We don’t want to micromanage, we want our kids to make choices, but we need to be available to guide when they are struggling to do the right thing.

5-Follow through – Either correct, redirect,or praise

Heart-focused Parenting Action Step

This week, the first action step is to be self aware.  We need to know that we are doing it – and understand  how it is not only not a helpful parenting practice, but a damaging one.  It actually takes us backwards in parenting our children’s beliefs, values, emotions and choices – and mainly because they start ignoring us.  As a parent, we can learn new habits – but we have to be self aware first.

Then the second action step you can take this week – is to get up and be close when you give an instruction or reminder.  Start building that habit as your go-to parenting practice.  I am 100% sure you will see a change in your family dynamics when you put in this effort.

Thanks for joining me today.

If this episode encouraged you, please share it with a friend – i think when we share the podcasts we are enjoying it not only helps the podcast, but it builds community – and as parents we need our community. 

Hi there! I'm Belinda and I'm glad you are here!

I am a family life coach and help parents to raise their kids with faith, values and life skills in a way that is intentional, relational and heart-focused. Read more in my Introduction page

You can learn about heart-focused parenting through my podcast, blog and weekly email (Heart Boosters).

If you need help you can book a coach call or email me here.

.

.

Search by using keywords to find what you are looking for