How can you have a life and be a full-time mum at the same time.  Being a mum is important but it isn’t your only role nor does it completely define you.  Today I’m reflecting on 6 things I taught my kids that ended up giving me time to do the other things that were important to me.  I hope you will find something that inspires you to make changes in your family this week.

I taught my kids they were a part of our family not the center of the world.

They were a part of something bigger than themselves.  It wasn’t all about them.  In fact, I used to say to my kids – probably pre-teens – It’s not all about you! 

When family life isn’t about the child they learn to care for other people and not just their own needs and wants – they learn to wait for their turn and not demand what they want – they learn ….  

I think the way they learn this is really dependent on us initially.  Do we treat them as the center of the universe?  Do they squeek and we jump?  Do we let them be rude just because it is cute?  Do we give them everything they want? 

I taught my kids to be okay contained. 

Now that sounds terrible, but I taught them to play in a playpen, to stay on their bed, to sit quietly in their highchair.

I taught them this in 3 minute incriments from the time they could sit up and interact with a toy. Depending on their sleep patterns they would have 1-2 practices a day – building up to 30-45 minutes once or twice a day, depending on what else we were doing in our day.   

Once they learnt how to do this it meant I could do other things – I could shower, I could make phone calls, I could do some craft or paint my nails.  But it also benefits them because they were learning to focus and be still.  Kids need this skill in school – and really for the rest of their lives.

I taught my kids to occupy themselves.

  Basically, I did not play with my kids – I interacted with them, we did things, fun things, together – but it wasn’t my job to entertain my kids – they had to learn to do things by themselves, for themselves, with themselves.  

We had structure in our day where we did things together – homeschooling probably gave us a bit of help in that regard – but we had chore time, outside play, table time, room time (or playpen time), lunch, naps, and so forth.  But each age had a signiicant part of their day where they had to play.  By themselves. Or with their siblings.  

My job was to teach them to play – and make sure they had age appropriate toys and activities to keep them stimulated.  And because they culd occupy themselves, I was able to do other things – get other things done.

I taught my kids to pick up after themselves. 

At the end of every activity – even playpen time – the kids had to pack up what they were using.  When they were young I would help them, but they learnt to do it by themselves eventually – though while young I would have to supervise, monitor or check on them.  But still it was a skill they were learning to do – because caring for our belongings and our space was an important life skill.

My top tips for doing this are: 

1. Having blocks of time with a specific purpose – like outside time.  When that block of time is done, the kids pack up before they move on to the next activity.  
2. You need to have storage systems that kids can use.  If my kids were still learning to pack a toy or game away they had to ask for it from the shelf, once they learnt to be responsible they were allowed to get toys for themselves.   But start with systems and shelves that the kids can access when they are ready to access.

I taught my kids to do chores. 

Picking up toys was probably the very first chore a child learnt because that started in the playpen.  But as they grew they had other chores too.  Chores were divided into two different types – personal responsibilities and family contributions.  Personal responsibilities were looking after their body, their room, their toys etc.  Family contributions were doing the dishes, cleaning the bathroom, emptying bins, helping with laundry etc.  

I taught them one chore at a time by showing them how to do it, then letting them do it beside me, then stepping back and watching them do it, and then letting them be responsible.  

Teaching your kids to do chores not only give them a skill for life it relieves you of some of the tasks you need to do – so you have time to do other things.  Admittednly – and this goes for all these ideas really, teaching and training them takes time, but once they can do it – you get a little bit of time back.

The last thing I wanted to share was…

I taught my kids to recognise me as a person with needs. 

This ties in with the first idea I shared – that the family world doesn’t spin around our kids. All of us in this family are people with needs and we will work together to love and care for each other.  And just because as the mum I’m directing, and teaching, and correcting and encouraging the kids to do this – doesn’t mean that I miss out.  I am a person in the family with needs and our kids can learn to love and care for me as much as anyone else.  

A few ways I intentionally taught my kids to care for my needs were

1.  I taught them to go and play when I had a friend over so we could chat in private.  Not because what we were saying was secret business but becacuse I needed my space, and I needed time with a friend.
2. I initially asked them to do things for me – like make a cup of tea, or heat up the wheat pack – once they knew how, they could choose to do that as a way of blessing me.
3. I taught them that the one hour of room time was my one hour of uninterrupted craft time – and unless there was blood I wasn’t available!
4. I taught them to interrupt me with respect when I was listening to an audio reading a book, or talking to a friend.  

So when I look back on my mothering years – those directive years that are full on, I know I was a full time mum – but I also had a life.  I was involved in church ministries, a parenting ministry, I ran the homeschool co-op, I started blogging, I ran a Creative Memories mini-business, and had time with friends.  Its a bit crazy actually. 

I know I was available for my kids – physically and emotionally but I also didn’t let go of who I was.  It is a tricky balance and there were certainly seasons where I let things go.  But as I reflect back I know these six things helped me keep balance.  My kids needs were important, but so was mine.  

The only way I could be a full time mum and be a happy Belinda was to teach my kids to participate in family life, to have the skills to be contributing to life and not demanding and taking up all my time.  Of course I didn’t use those words to my kids – I just taught them to play, be responsible and caring but in doing so they learnt to be a part of our family and to help our family function well as we lived together.  

Now your lifestyle might look nothing like mine but the principle still holds.  Even though being a mum is an important role, it isn’t all that defines you.  And it is okay to find ways to express those other aspects of who you are – for me, I was able to do that by teaching my kids to step up.  Hope that has give you some ideas. 

Heart-focused Parenting Action Step

If this idea resonates with you I’ve got 3 questions for you to ask yourself.

1. Do I feel I am just a mother – that other parts of who you are have been put on hold?  If so identify those other parts.
2. Secondly, review this list and see if teaching your kids any one of these skills would eventually give you some time to do something other than mothering.  You can visit my website to see the blog if you need to see these six ideas written down.  
3. Thirdly, start teaching and practicing this one skill that you’ve identified – they won’t get it straight away – they’ll need guidance, support, encouragement – they’ll start at 3 minutes but be able to build up to a more useable time.  I’ll include a link to how to teach anything to your kids – but if you are completely stuck, you could book a coaching call and we can talk about it.

And another beneft to our kids knowing how to do all these things – is that it will benefit them and others  in their life as they grow older because these skills are life skills, not just things kids need to be able to do!

I just want to wrap up with this reminder – motherhood is an important role, but it isn’t all that defines you as a woman.

Further Reading

Remember these 4 Training Stages to be an Effective Parent:  These 4 training stages helps us to teach our children rather than just tell them. Without these 4 stages we are likely to frustrate our children.

How to Parenting Multiple Kids of Different Ages:  Family life stretches parents – but we need to know how to parent each individual child, reaching them where they are at, regardless of where their siblings are at. 

How to be a Consistent Parent, Without the Guilt:  Being a consistent parent is important, but it is something we grow stronger the more we do the right thing, so don’t let the bad days de rail you!

Hi there! I'm Belinda and I'm glad you are here!

I am a family life coach and help parents to raise their kids with faith, values and life skills in a way that is intentional, relational and heart-focused. Read more in my Introduction page

You can learn about heart-focused parenting through my podcast, blog and weekly email (Heart Boosters).

If you need help you can book a coach call or email me here.

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