Are there behaviours in your home that you’ve learnt to live with – even though you know they are not what you really want happening in your home?

In this episode, I’m talking about a simple way to correct your child that makes a big difference. If you’ve been feeling stuck between letting things slide and overreacting – then I think you’ll find this helpful.

Verbal Reminders are a Simple way to Correct your Child

Most parents don’t decide to raise kids who whine or are lazy or dependent, but often we suddenly realise that is what is happening.  

Suddenly, our child is whining, complaining, and is moody.

Suddenly,  our child is lazy, entitled, demanding

Suddenly, our child is sullen, lacks initiative and is clingy.

I doubt a child will show all those things at the same time – but suddenly we realise our child is doing something that we don’t really like to see happening.

The very uncomfortable truth is that these things are happening because we’ve allowed them to happen. It’s uncomfortable to hear that.  But – you are the parent and it is your job to teach your child how to respond to life, how to make wise choices, how to be a person of good character.  And if your child has slipped into the habit of not making good choices, then you can do something about it.

I need to make a caveat here – because there is obviously an age limit to what I’m saying here.  As our kids grow older, into the teen years, we have less direct impact on what our children are doing – and they have more voice or advocacy – so we have to parent differently when our kids get to the teen years and onwards.  So today I’m talking about parenting kids probably under 16.  

It didn’t happen suddenly – it happened gradually

Now I said these things happen suddenly, but reality is it has happened gradually, we’ve just suddenly seen it and taken notice.  Behaviour changes on a slippery slope- we let something go a few times – we are tired, and it is just too much to deal with, we have other things on our mind, we go ‘’oh hang it’ and do it ourselves because we can do it faster and we are just over the attitudes and arguments so we do everything we can to keep the peace. Then without you intending it to be the case, that has become the norm for your child.  So a parenting principle here is – What we accept becomes our child’s norm.

Our kids are learning all the time.  So if our child does something wrong or inappropriate

• and we don’t act – they learn that behaviour was okay – and eventually it becomes their norm.
• If we do act, but it is more of a over-reaction, an angry reaction – they learn to do what it takes to avoid your anger – or they internalise messages like – I must hide my mistakes to be loved, or I can keep doing this till she explodes, or mums’rules are random, and I can never get it right why bother.  
• Or if we do act – we respond with wisdom – with love, mercy and grace – then they learn that their choice was not okay, it was not acceptable, but they can also learn to do better and grow from it.  

Regardless of how we respond – or what actions we take – they will learn something. 

How to Correct your Child

Obviously our kids need correction – and one thing that can help us be a little more onto it is understanding what correction actually is.

We tend to see correction as discipline, and think that that discipline needs punishment or pain – and we know that takes time to process and work through – and we don’t have time!

So we don’t act – and our children learn the wrong thing!

But correction is not punishment.  Giving your child a correction needs to be more like a course correction.  

One of the things I notice when flying with Peter is that he tweaks things on the instrument panel to keep us on track.  He talks about how being a few degrees off at the beginning of the journey, over time, takes us way off course and we wouldn’t land anywhere near our intended destination.  I’ve always seen this as a very powerful parenting analogy.  

We need to give our kids course corrections.  Little tweaks so that they get back on track.

Gentle but Firm Parenting

One of the most helpful, and easy to use parenting tweaks, or course corrections, is Verbal Reminders.  We actually give a lot of verbal reminders – sometimes without thinking – I’m sure you’ll be familiar with them:   

• That tone isn’t acceptable!
• What are you going to do about it?
• Try that again
• What’s the magic word?  (This is the age-old reminder to use your please and thank yous!)

These types of verbal prompts pull our children up without a big hoo-ha; it’s just a little tweak, an opportunity to redirect where they were heading so they can get back on track.  Verbal Reminders are little disruptors that cause your child to pause and reconsider their choices.

Just a caution here – you can’t just throw out verbal reminders at your kids – that’s only half of the parenting tool.  The other half is to wait for your child to adjust – kind of like giving them a do-over.  You give them the verbal reminder, then you wait to see their response.  This is an important part of the correction. Just like when Pete tweaks the intstrument panel – he waits to check that the plane has responded.   Most times your child will self-correct.  

Of course, this only happens if there has already been teaching – they don’t need more instruction or explanations, but they do need practice.  Also it goes without saying, that there will be times when your child won’t pick up on your little tweak, and you will have to step in more firmly so they learn how to do what is right.  But that is a conversation for another time – or something we can unpack together in a coaching session if you need help with that.

Character Development in Children

Every time your child hears your verbal reminder that value or right action is b eing consolidated in their heart.  It shapes their character.  And even though it maybe on little things, little choices your child is making – it is still important.  Why?  Because the little habits (that we may even see as quirks or age norms) grow into big habits – habits that shape who we are.  

• Whining can turn into negativity, and helplessness
• Laziness can turn into avoiding responsibility and shoddy work
• Self-centredness can erode family harmony and teamwork

So if you don’t like the choices your kids are making, start addressing them.  Start teaching them the right way to respond and then help them by reminding them and supporting them to learn new responses – or new habits of behaviour.

Heart-focused Parenting Action Step

Over the next 24 hours, focusing on one child, choose one behaviour you want to address.  Something you know they know how to do better but behaviour has just slipped and you haven’t been holding them accountable to doing what is right.

Name it to your yourself – so you are very aware of what you are going to address. .

You might even want to then prepare yourself – kind of like giving yourself a script – and choose a phrase you can use every time this behaviour presents.  Something like

• That wasn’t a wise choice, try that again.
• Do you need a do-over?
• I need you to pause and think and try that again.
• That tone wasn’t okay, try again.

Or come up with something that fits the situation

Once you have done that you are prepared ahead of time, ready to address a behaviour you have not been dealing with.  Remember say the reminder once, watch for their response.  If they self-correct you can praise – with a simple “Good choice. Well done.”  and everyone moves on.

If they don’t self-correct, your next step is to calmly require a do-over with a more intentional instruction or firm voice.  At this point they need some reflection time so they can get to the place where they are prepared to do the right thing.  

At first glance, this might all feel like a lot of effort – but it does become second nature after you do it for a while.  

And here is one final thought – you may think you don’t have time to teach how to do what is right, or you don’t have time to give verbal reminders and wait for their response. The truth is we can spend our time dealing with the fall out of poor choices (which is time consuming) – or we can spend our time teaching and training our child’s hearts so that those bad choices aren’t becoming their norm.

Hi there! I'm Belinda and I'm glad you are here!

I am a family life coach and help parents to raise their kids with faith, values and life skills in a way that is intentional, relational and heart-focused. Read more in my Introduction page

You can learn about heart-focused parenting through my podcast, blog and weekly email (Heart Boosters).

If you need help you can book a coach call or email me here.

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