As this episode releases, Peter and I are celebrating another wedding anniversary.

Anniversaries always make me reflective. Not sentimental necessarily –  just thoughtful. We are celebrating 35 years of marriage – and over that time I have learnt so much about myself, about love, mercy, and grace (3 words you often hear me talk about), and I have grown and changed so much over these years. And of course, Peter has too.

A passage I often reflect on when I think of marriage is from Colossians. It’s easy to assume long marriages survive because of compatibility, romance, shared interests, or even good communication. And while those things matter, I think the things listed here in Colossians are the habits, or the relationship skills that actually hold a marriage together.

So how do we strengthen our marriage according to the Bible? I believe Colossians 3 gives us the answer. The qualities listed there are more than virtues — they are the daily habits that create unity in a Christian marriage.

I hope this encourages you, that is – gives you courage to work on your marriage relationship regardless of how many years you’ve been together.

Let me read from Colossians 3:12–14:

“Therefore, as God’s chosen ones, holy and loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, meekness and patience. Be tolerant of one another and forgive each other if anyone has a complaint against another. Just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also should forgive. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which ties everything together in unity.”

We often look for verses that apply just to marriage.  And there are a few, maybe, but we really can’t separate the verses that address how we are to relate to others in the body of Christ, with how we relate to our spouse.  Of course, there are extra elements such as intimacy – but as far as the ebb and flow of relating to each other goes, the Bible verses that address how we are to relate to each other apply in our marriages.

I reminded the ladies in my Bible study the other week that focusing on one truth doesn’t invalidate another truth. And this is important to remember in today’s topic. And that is we are to relate to our spouse with the things mentioned in Colossians 3 – but that doesn’t mean we endure abuse.  So please take note that I am applying this scripture to a marriage where there is mutual love, care, courtesy, and mutual desire to walk with Jesus in your relationship.  The Bible doesn’t call for us to forgive, forget, and accept abuse.  And if you need resources to help you with a dysfunctional or destructive relationship, I’ll have a few that I recommend in the Show Notes.

Let’s look closely at this passage, Colossians 3:12-24 – It starts with identity. 

“As God’s chosen ones, holy and loved…”

As I read this, I am reminded that I can obey the Scriptures knowing that I am chosen and loved and that I have the Holy Spirit in me to help me do whatever He instructs me to do. 

A Daily Choice that Strengthens Marriage

This passage tells us we are to clothe ourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience.  We are to clothe ourselves.  Three different ideas come to mind when I read this.  

First up, we are to put on clothes.  It’s a choice.  Its an active action.

Secondly, when we are clothed, we are fully covered.  Makes me think that these things that we are to put on cover all circumstances, cover all reactions.  

Third thing – when I get dressed, I get dressed for the occasion.  I might be doing exercise, or going out for coffee, or going to a fancy dinner – my clothes are appropriate for the occasion.  These things we are to put on are appropriate for the occasion of relating to one another.  

Let’s look at the wisdom in each of these relational things we are to put on and walk in.

Compassion and Kindness: Seeing Needs not Faults

Compassion is a heartfelt concern for people’s needs, and Kindness is putting that concern into action.  Heart and actions together.  And in this case, towards our spouse. 

It’s easy to see faults.  It takes intentionality to see needs. And it takes compassion and kindness to take action to meet those needs.

There’s that saying, familiarity breeds contempt – and I don’t know that we look at our spouse with contempt (not generally), but maybe a few steps back from that would be to look at them, their actions, their foibles, their weaknesses without compassion.  

This phrase that calls me to put on compassion and kindness reminds me, calls me to be helpful to them. It leaves me asking – how can I help? 

Humility and Meekness: Guarding against Pride

We are also to put on humility and meekness.  Meekness is about seeing myself as I truly am, and acknowledging my need for others.  I don’t have it all contained in myself.  I am who I am because of others who have contributed to my life.  And that includes my husband.

Meekness is the antidote to pride. Pride pushes us toward independence and self-sufficiency; humility allows others in. When pride convinces us our way is the only right way, we stop valuing another person’s opinions, strengths, and experiences. 

Meekness and Humility doesn’t mean we don’t step up with our strengths, neither does it mean that we don’t have a voice.  Acknowledging our need for others, it creates that balance between who I am and who my husband is. And together we meet each other’s needs so that we can do life together. 

Patience: Choosing to Respond with Grace

We are to put on patience.  And patience comes out of meekness and humility, which is a little bit interesting. If we have a right understanding of who we are, we can deal with other people with patience.  

Patience means long-suffering, slow to anger, and showing restraint.  This applies to our emotions towards our spouse – like anger, frustration, and annoyance.  Or it can be about not reacting, especially in the moment.

A patient spouse does not mirror anger; they respond with grace. They don’t react instantly; they regulate first. In that way, patience protects the relationship. It softens the jolt so that a small bump doesn’t become relational damage. 

Biblical Tolerance: Bearing with Differences

Colossians tells us to be tolerant of one another.

Tolerance is a word that has changed in meaning over the last 30 years.  I tried to find the meaning Paul would have meant when he told Christians to be tolerant of one another.  

The word means to endure, to bear with, to put up with, without retaliating.  I’m reminded of Ephesians 4:2 that tells us to bear with one another in love.  We are to support one another with an attitude shaped by patience and humility.

To bear with someone means we see the friction, we feel the irritation, and yet we choose not to escalate it. Not every weakness needs correcting. Not every difference needs debating. Some things simply require gracious endurance. 

In marriage, especially, this means making room for personality differences and imperfect habits without turning them into constant battles. Biblical tolerance is mature restraint – protecting the relationship instead of reacting and retaliating.

A caution with tolerance, though – like I said at the beginning, we have to balance two truths at the same time.  We need to be tolerant and bear with someone who is different – but that doesn’t mean we accept sinful behaviour, we don’t become passive and just accept whatever, we can live with boundaries and still show tolerance towards another person who is in a different place.

Forgiveness: A work on the Heart

Colossians reminds us to forgive each other “just as the Lord forgave you.” That phrase is key. Our forgiveness towards others is not based on whether the other person deserves it, apologises perfectly, or changes immediately. It is patterned after the forgiveness we have received from God. 

Given freely because He loves us.

This is hard, which is why we need a right understanding of what forgiveness actually is – and I can’t cover that all in today’s conversation. But to forgive does not mean we pretend something didn’t happen. It does not mean we deny hurt or avoid necessary conversations. When damage is done in a relationship, repair is needed. 

So often forgiveness is a work that has to happen in our own heart – between God and us.  I have found that when I forgive within my own heart, I can confidently and graciously talk about the hurt and a way forward. Alternatively, when I raise the hurt without doing the heart work of forgiveness with God, then my words spill out angry and condemning towards Peter.

Agape Love: Holds Everything Together

And the last part of this passage that I’m talking about today is – “Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which ties everything together in unity.”

Love here is agape love – a type of love that gives without expecting anything in return.  Not keeping tabs or keeping score.  Its not a transactional love – if you do this, I’ll do that.  It is love in action without demands. But of course – if we are in a relationship where there is no love returned, then that is not a healthy relationship.  That’s not what I’m talking about.  We don’t do acts of love expecting an equal act of love in return.

And the Bible says here that this type of love, this agape love, ties everything together and creates unity.

And unity is what marriage is all about.  But we let things get in the way of that unity: ego (the desire to be right and get it our way), unforgiveness, expectations, impatience, anger, independence, annoyance.  And when that happens, our unity, our very relationship, fragments.  

Heart-focused Action Step – for your Marriage

Boy – there is a lot to think about in just those few verses!

I think marriage reveals, or puts us in a context that reveals what we are putting on, what we are clothed with, maybe more than any other relationship.  

Are you clothed with compassion, kindness, humility, meekness and patience?  Are you tolerant and forgiving towards each other?  And do you choose love?  Daily.  

I guess that is another image of clothing ourselves, we get dressed daily.  We need to put on these attitudes daily.  Some days we may not feel like it – but our day will be better, our relationship will be better if we do it anyway – with the help of the Holy Spirit.

So, as a heart-focused action step – ask God what is missing from your wardrobe – what do you need to learn to put on.  Ask him for insight, and then for the strength and grace to learn to respond in a better way.  

There is no easy way to grow in our relationship with each other – the only way I know how to do it is to renew my mind, which is why I’ve drilled down into each of these attitudes mentioned here in Colossians.  To respond with humility and meekness – I need God’s help with that.  Humanly speaking my inner heart rises up and says, but but but –  and then God says my chosen one, holy and loved – clothe yourself with these things.

That’s it for today.

There’s a lot to unpack there.  Maybe go and read Colossians 3:12-14 for yourself and let God speak to your heart.

Don’t forget to check out the few recommended resources that I recommended in the Show Notes. You can find them here on part 2.

And as always, if you want to talk about anything that is raised in this episode please shoot me an email.  Belinda @ belindaletchford.com 

Hi there! I'm Belinda and I'm glad you are here!

I am a family life coach and help parents to raise their kids with faith, values and life skills in a way that is intentional, relational and heart-focused. Read more in my Introduction page

You can learn about heart-focused parenting through my podcast, blog and weekly email (Heart Boosters).

If you need help you can book a coach call or email me here.

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