When your child – or teen – says they are bored we have to think very carefully to understand what is really going on. 

 Most times you hear advice, and maybe this is how your folks handled it – but you say you are bored you get a chore.  I believe this is compliance-based parenting – certainly not heart-focused.  Let me explain why I see giving a chore a misplaced punishment when your child says they are bored.

Boredom isn’t the Problem you think it is

 When a child says they are bored – we shouldn’t assume a heart issue – it is usually a lack of skills. 

They are expressing an inability to:

• Use their time wisely
• Make decisions
• Be a blessing to others
• Be creative or show initiative

So when they say they are bored – we give a punishment instead of teaching them how to use their time wisely.   Now giving a chore as the consequence for saying “I’m bored” seemingly works – which is why so many parents do it.  The kids do the chore and then they get out of your hair and you hear nothing more about it.

But have they learnt anything, or are they just not talking to you about their struggles?

How to Teach Kids to make better Choices

So when my kids said they were bored, I would pull them aside and say something like, “You’re bored because you haven’t been able to make a decision on what you are going to do – let me help you do that.”

I had a bit of a checklist that we would work through.  This check list helps define the different decisions they could choose.  

I would ask:

• Is there something you could do to help someone else?
• Is there an unfinished project you could work on?
• Do you have a skill you need to practice (they knew what creative skills they are learning – music, writing, coding, photography, netball, pottery, electric trains etc)?
• Is there a book you could read?
• Is there an outside activity you could go and do?

There were a few different seasons where a child was really struggling with this, and I would get them to write ideas under each of these categories so that when they had to make a decision on  how to spend their time, they had a shortlist of options in front of them.

Remember – the skill we are teaching is the ability to make decisions to use your time wisely.

My job as a parent is to help my kids, scaffold them, while they learn the skill and develop the skill-muscle so they can do it on their own.  

So I had the list that we would refer to, but I would also structure our days  in such a way that each child had the amount of free time that was in keeping with their ability to make wise choices.  

That is, they didn’t have a whole day to decide what they were going to do – how they were going to fill it. 

• If a 6 my year old could make wise choices for 1 hour a day then he got free time for one hour a day where he could make that decision.  
• If the 12 year old could occupy himself wisely and well, for 4 hours then he potentially got 4 hours of free time (depending on family activities and study schedules).

I found that as I helped them make wise choices, they learnt to do this more and more on their own, and eventually I wasn’t needed to help them.

When Boredom Becomes a Heart Issue

That all being said, they can only make wise choices if their hearts are in the right place. To start off, when I noticed a child was not making wise choices with their free time, I guided them through the steps I’ve mentioned.  If they dug their heels in and still couldn’t make a choice, I usually made it for them or I gave them a midway option by giving them 2 things to choose between.  This was not a consequence, but me making the decision making opportunity match their capacity, since they were struggling, and still learning the skill.

But – if they couldn’t work with me, or if they didn’t accept my choices this is when a consequence did set in.  But the consequence was for not wanting to learn, it was for stubbornness of heart –  it wasn’t for being bored.  My consequence was isolation (not a chore) because my reasoning was –  if you can’t use your time wisely you lose your free time.

Eventually – as we repeated this process several times, they started making decisions for themselves.  They knew what their options were and they could whittle it down and find something to do.  At the least I might have to remind them to look at their list.  

Is Boredom a bad thing for our Children?

Now there is another side that we need to consider because Boredom isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  Boredom can be the birthplace of creativity.  I don’t believe that we need to give our children every activity and keep them busy every moment of the day so that they don’t get bored. Our kids need downtime, they need opportunity to make decisions for themselves, to problem solve.

The saying – Idle hands are the devils workshop – means that when you have nothing purposeful to do, human nature tends to drift into unhealthy, unhelpful, unwise, hurtful activities.  

If we (or our children) are sitting, doing nothing it isn’t necessarily boredom in the negative sense.  Sitting still can be a time of reflection, brewing creativity, or restful recovery.  They are purposeful activities. 

Boredom – the lack of purpose that leads to annoying others, being destructive or wasteful, stirring up trouble, avoiding responsibility – this type of energy needs to be redirected. This is boredom that comes from a lack of making a wise choice in how to spend your time. 

Heart-focused Parenting Action Step

The heart-focused parenting action step to take this week is to start thinking about your instinctive reaction when your kids say they are bored – and then think through what the issue really is:

• Does your child not know what to do with themselves and is making unwise choices

Or

• Is your child not doing what you perceive as productive?  

The second thing you can do is to write up a list of choices your child can make when they are at a loose end – you can go to the blog and copy down my 5 options – let me just repeat them here –

When bored – or can’t make a decision on how to spend your time – consider:

• Is there something you could do to help someone else?
• Is there an unfinished project you could work on?
• Do you have a skill you need to practice (such as music, writing, coding, photography, netball, pottery, electric trains etc)?
• Is there a book you could read?
• Is there an outside activity you could go and do?

We are the most effective in our parenting when we give an issue some thought and are prepared ahead of time, so that we can deal with it in a heart-focused way when it pops up.  Boredom is going to pop up – you have to decide how to handle it. Are you going to give a chore so they won’t complain any more – or are you going to teach them how to use their time wisely and productively?

Hi there! I'm Belinda and I'm glad you are here!

I am a family life coach and help parents to raise their kids with faith, values and life skills in a way that is intentional, relational and heart-focused. Read more in my Introduction page

You can learn about heart-focused parenting through my podcast, blog and weekly email (Heart Boosters).

If you need help you can book a coach call or email me here.

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