It is easy to delight in our kids’ strengths. We love that they’re confident, clever, determined, talented or natural leaders. But sometimes those very strengths can make us overlook behaviour we probably shouldn’t.

We excuse the bossiness because we see leadership. We laugh at the clever comeback because they’re such a good communicator. Or we rearrange family life around the talented child because they’re really good at what they do.

So today I want to talk about a parenting trap we can easily fall into: when our delight in our child’s strengths stops us from addressing the character they need to use those strengths well.

Don’t Let Your Child’s Strengths Excuse Poor Character 

Parents love to see the uniqueness, and abilities and strengths in their kids – we share them with other parents, as badges of honour.  But there is a parenting trap when we focus so much on our kids strengths – and that is we either don’t see, or don’t take time to address their character issues.  

We don’t want to raise children who are wonderful musicians without the discipline to practice, or the respect of other peoples effort.  A person with talent can quickly become a pratt if they don’t have the character to go hand in hand with their talent.

The same can be said of someone who is a born leader, or entertainer, or sportsman, or debater, or a skilled artist or craftsman.  

We get tempted to excuse the behaviour because of the talent or strength.

• We let bossiness slide because we see leadership ability.
• The gifted child is allowed to insert themselves into adult spaces because they have the mental capacity.  
• We find it cute when a good communicator finds the witty comeback.
• And we let team practice take over everyone elses routine and needs in the family – this affects the kids who is a natural at sport – they start to believe that the world evolves around them – and it does!  Unfortunately.  

As parents we cannot let natural inclinations and talents distract us from calling our kids out on their poor choices, and encouraging them to learn and grow in character based actions.

Talent doesn’t absolve you from being a person of good character.  What do I mean by good character?  Being a person who is consistent (or consistently growing towards) responding to people and circumstnaces in ways that reflect virtues.  Things like, self-control, respect, responsibility, truthfulness, punctuality and so forth.

This is where character training comes in.

Our children don’t automatically know how to use the capacities God has given them wisely. They need us to teach them.

• A determined child needs to learn respect and self-control.
• A natural leader needs humility and consideration for others.
• A good communicator needs to learn to listen.
• A sensitive child needs wisdom in understanding and responding to their emotions.
• A curious child needs to learn when to ask questions and when to follow instructions.

When we can pair up what we see as natural ability with the necessary character qualities, we give ourselves (and our kids) a pathway forward.  It helps us see more clearly what character qualities our child needs to develop.

When our kids were young, we intentionally taught what a character quality looked like and why it was important, as a family – one trait a month.  I also spent time helping each individual child learn and grow in particular traits that were more pertinent to their character needs.

I remember focusing on something with Josh and he pushed back and said – you are picking on me – you don’t talk about this with Jess.  And I agreed with him, but I also said – that is because this is something you struggle with, Jess doesn’t have this struggle.

Some kids will find some character virtues easier to live by than others.  That is why we need to be honest with what we see in our kids, so we can be intentional to teach them the things they need to do life well.

Why Your Child’s Strengths Need Good Character  

One of the things our children need to understand is that having a natural strength or ability isn’t enough. They need a vision for how to use that strength well. We could say to them: Whatever gifts, abilities and strengths God has given you, use them with character. 

• Being clever doesn’t automatically make you wise.
• Being confident doesn’t mean you know how to treat people respectfully.
• Being talented doesn’t mean you don’t need diligence.
• Being a natural leader doesn’t give you the right to control others.
• Being a gifted communicator doesn’t mean everything that comes into your head needs to be said – you need self control and wisdom.

Our strengths are most useful when they are supported by good character.

This is why we need to be careful about the labels we celebrate in our children.

“You’re so clever.”

“You’re such a good athlete.”

“You’re a natural leader.”

“You’re so talented.”

Those things may well be true. And it is good to recognise the abilities God has given our children. But we also want our children to understand that their abilities don’t make them more important than other people, and they don’t give them permission to behave however they like.

We want them to be people of character, in every context of their life – including the areas that come easy to them.

Don’t Let Your Child’s Strengths Excuse Poor Behaviour 

But our children aren’t the only ones who need to understand this. As parents, we need to be careful that our delight in a child’s strengths doesn’t make us reluctant to address the character issues growing alongside them. 

• We excuse the child who dominates the conversation because they are bright and articulate.
• We tolerate arrogance because our child is achieving something significant.
• We rearrange family life around the talented child until they begin to expect everyone else to accommodate them.
• We allow the confident child to act disrespectfully because we admire their independence.

Of course, we don’t deliberately set out to teach these attitudes. But what we repeatedly allow our kids to do, teaches them what is acceptable just as much as our correction and discipline does. 

Our children need to know that being good at something doesn’t put them above the expectations we have for how people in our family treat people.

• You can be talented and still need to be respectful.
• You can be successful and still need to serve.
• You can be confident and still need to listen.
• You can be gifted and still need to practise.
• You can be a leader and still need to follow.

This isn’t about diminishing their strengths. It is about helping those strengths mature.

How to Develop Character Alongside Your Child’s Strengths 

That doesn’t mean we simply wait for maturity to happen. Character growth needs teaching, practice, correction and encouragement.

• We can show our children what respect looks like when they disagree.
• We can teach the leader how to invite someone else’s ideas.
• We can help the communicator practise listening.
• We can expect the talented child to be diligent even when something comes easily.

And when they get it wrong, we can correct the poor choice without attacking the child’s identity.

Over time, the goal is that our children learn to recognise their own strengths and take responsibility for how they use them.

Instead of thinking, “That’s just the way I am,” we want them to be able to say, “This is something I’m good at, and I need to use it with wisdom.”

That is when we will see character growth.

See Your Child’s Strengths and Character Needs 

As parents, we need to be able to hold two things together.

We can delight in the strengths, abilities and personality God has given our child, while also being honest about the character qualities that still need to grow.

One doesn’t cancel out the other.

Our children’s strengths don’t excuse poor character, and their poor choices shouldn’t blind us to their strengths.

We need to see both.

Their abilities may open doors for them. But character will shape what they do once they walk through those doors.

Heart-focused Parenting Action Step

Think about one of your children and identify one of their natural strengths, abilities or strong personality traits.

Maybe they are confident, determined, articulate, creative, sensitive, clever, athletic, curious or naturally able to lead.

Now ask yourself:

What character qualities does my child need in order to use this strength wisely?

Then consider whether there is any behaviour you have been overlooking or excusing because it is connected to that strength. Be prepared to address this.

Choose one character quality to intentionally work on with this child. Talk with them about the strength you see in them and the character they need to use that strength wisely. Then look for opportunities to teach, practise, encourage and eventually expect that character will be reflected in their every day choices.

Part 2:

Character is Needed for Children with Natural Talents

Hi there! I'm Belinda and I'm glad you are here!

I am a family life coach and help parents to raise their kids with faith, values and life skills in a way that is intentional, relational and heart-focused. Read more in my Introduction page

You can learn about heart-focused parenting through my podcast, blog and weekly email (Heart Boosters).

If you need help you can book a coach call or email me here.

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