Teaching Children Obedience
Obedience is one of the key character traits that children need to learn from a young age. Being able to respond to ‘stop’ keeps a young child safe, and as they grow older a child growing in obedience is able to learn both knowledge and life skills if they can listen and follow instructions – so it is important. Here is a collection of thoughts on the topic of training or teaching our children obedience, in a heart-focused way, not just demanding it.
Obedience is often the first character trait that parents want to teach their kids. It is really important that we understand what Obedience is , and what it isn’t.
It isn’t robotic, blind compliance. That just teaches our children to be mindless and leads to abuse.
It is about recognising that there are people who we need to obey.
But it is also about knowing that when those people overstep their role, we have to run to a safe place.
Teaching that balance to our kids is a hard thing.
As parents, we need to be trustworthy authority figures in our child’s life. We have to be honest, fair, reasonable, relatable, available. We may be the boss, but we do not need to be bossy.
🎇Teach your kids that they need to respect and obey authority, but never accept being treated in a way that is unkind or unsafe.
🎇Teach your kids that obedience is not the end goal; that personal responsibility is.
🎇Teach your kids that when they make mistakes, they can have a do-over, and learn to listen and obey better next time. There is always love, mercy and grace as our kids learn to obey.
Obedience is a thing we need in our family, and in our society, but it is also a thing that is impacted by the sinful nature of mankind. So we have to teach our children to think before they obey, and speak up when things are not right.
Which aspect of obedience do you need to work on in your family? Love to hear from you.
Willing Obedience
Obedience isn’t something we demand of our children – we have to teach it – step by step – each of these 5 stages.
But the overall issue is a willing heart. For a child to acknowledge that there are authorities in their life, that they need to respect, learn from and submit to is all a part of teaching obedience.
We can have robotic obedience – and that happens when we demand it.
Or we can have willing obedience – which is what happens when a child acknowledges authority in their lives.
Which means we also need to teach what is a good and right authority. And what to do when bad authority tries to direct them.
Which makes it so important that we are that good authority – not because of our position as parent, but because of the respect, and self-control we have when we use our authority.
Obedience and following instructions are so important for a child to learn and to be safe, but we have to teach it the right way.
Do you get caught in demanding first-time obedience, instead of teaching the heart so they can choose obedience?
I can help you make this shift with a one-hour coaching call. Details in my bio or comment COACHING and I’ll send the details to you.
When Teaching Obedience takes too Long
If your child is struggling to learn obedience and you start to think you’ve been in the same place, trying to teach the same thing for too long – these one of these attitudes may well be in their heart.
😒Instead of obedience – they may ask – “Why should I listen and obey you?” This is an attitude of pride and self-rule, instead of respect for authority.
😒Instead of obedience – they may ask – “Why should I do anything?” This is an attitude of entitlement, instead of a sense of responsibility.
😒Instead of obedience – they may say – “If it doesn’t make me happy, I’m not doing it” This is an attitude of self-focus, instead of co-operation.
You can see how any one of these heart attitudes will limit the desire to follow instructions. If you are having a hard time teaching obedience – maybe you need to step back and help your child see their place in the world very much includes other people and their responses need to reflect that.
No character trait stands by itself so if teaching obedience is creating major tension and conflict – maybe it is time to shift to teaching another value.
Do you think it might be helpful to give obedience a bit of a break and address one of these attitudes?
Heart Check for Parents (when teaching Obedience)
Heart check time – are you making one of these parenting choices? Any one of these will hinder your kids growing in obedience.
Authoritarian – always the boss, demanding without context or relationship.
Focusing on behaviour – always looking at the action, but not the attitude or heart that drives that action (good or bad).
Inconsistency – this is when you respond based on your emotions and it undermines teaching what is right, good and true.
Do you fall into one of these parenting habits? The more you acknowledge the traps you fall into, the quicker you will notice them in the moment and be able to change them.
Extra support is available
Whether you desire to change your own habits, your family culture or how your children are behaving, coaching will provide you with ideas, support and accountability. My approach is to focus on your values and to clarify the steps necessary so you can eventually see those values lived out in the life of your family. Working with a coach is an effective way to move forward in your family life.
Further Reading…
Using Parental Authority to Help Children Grow
Using Parental Authority to Help Children Grow
Parental authority isn’t about controlling children—it’s about accepting our responsibility to guide, teach and prepare them for maturity. Read this if you want to think through what healthy parental authority looks like and how it supports obedience without making obedience the ultimate goal.
Attitude: Readiness Before Obedience
Attitude: Readiness Before Obedience
Sometimes the problem isn’t that a child doesn’t know how to obey, but that their heart and attitude aren’t ready to respond well. This article explores the attitudes that support obedience and why working on readiness can be more helpful than simply repeating an instruction.
Training and Heart-Focused Parenting
Training and Heart-Focused Parenting
Children need more than instructions—they need time to learn and practise what we expect of them. This article looks at training as part of heart-focused parenting and helps distinguish teaching and practice from simply demanding compliance.
How to Change Child Behaviour (Heart-Focused)
How to Change Child Behaviour (Heart-Focused)
Obedience is a behaviour, but lasting change involves what is happening beneath the behaviour in a child’s heart. This article shows how connecting behaviour with character and virtue helps children understand not only what to do, but why it is good and right.
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Hi there! I'm Belinda and I'm glad you are here!
I am a family life coach and help parents to raise their kids with faith, values and life skills in a way that is intentional, relational and heart-focused. Read more in my Introduction page
You can learn about heart-focused parenting through my podcast, blog and weekly email (Heart Boosters).
If you need help you can book a coach call or email me here.
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