It is good to recognise the abilities God has given our children, but we don’t want their identity to become “the clever one,” “the sporty one” or “the arty one.” Their abilities are part of who they are, but they aren’t the measure of their worth. We can celebrate what they do well and remind them that gifts are something to steward wisely. That means talking not only about what they are good at, but about how they use that ability with humility, diligence, kindness, responsibility and consideration for others. Character helps them use their strengths in a way that honours God and serves others. And while we do this we also talk about how God sees them, that they are made in the image of God, for a relationship with Him.  Our identity is made up of how God made us, as well as the different things we do – but our ultimate definition of who we are has to be in line with God’s word. 

There is nothing wrong with noticing and enjoying your child’s abilities. The issue isn’t whether we praise them, but what our praise teaches them to value. If most of our attention goes to achievement, talent or being better than others, those things can become disproportionately important.  We need to broaden the conversation, broaden what we say to our kids. We need to notice their effort, their choices (which reflect their character) – things like diligence, teachability, perseverance, generosity and the way they treat people as well as the result they achieved. You can say, “You have a real ability in this area,” while also helping them understand that having an ability brings opportunities and responsibilities. We want our children to appreciate their strengths without believing those strengths make them more important than anyone else.

Correcting a poor choice isn’t the same as rejecting a child’s personality – and we need to make sure our words don’t comunicate that it does.  It’s not that the confident or talented child needs to stop being confident or talented – its that they need to learn how to use those gifts and abilties with respect, self-control, patience and so forth.   So we need to base our correction on the lack of character – on the poor choice they made.  We can say: “I love that you have ideas and aren’t afraid to share them. But interrupting someone isn’t respectful.” The message becomes: I see the strength in you, and I’m going to help you learn how to use it well.

Don’t minimise their ability in an attempt to make them humble.  That is parenting with shame.  The heart-focused way is to help them understand what humility looks like in their life, in their situations, and why it is important.  It might mean receiving instruction, or acknowledging someone else’s contribution, or practising even when things come easily, or encouraging someone else who isn’t as capable.  As parents, we can come along side a gifted child, and call them out on their arrogant behaviour (just like we would call out laziness, or forgetfulness, or self-centredness in any other child).  It’s not that they are gifted that you are correcting, it is the character that needs to carry that giftedness needs to be developed.  So give instruction on character that will support their giftedness, correct them when they are arrogant, and encourage them when they are humble and considerate of other people.  The process is the same for any child, dealing with a lack of character in their life.  We need to teach what is good, right and true (humility) and why that is important and how to live it out.